I Can't Take a Compliment.

Here’s the thing about me. I underestimate and under appreciate myself. Weird, right? You would think if I work as hard as I do and put forth more effort than a staff of eighty people, that I must have my stuff together, huh? Wrong. So wrong. You have no idea how wrong.

I could blame it on care. I could blame it on all the Ritalin they pumped into me while I was a kid. I could blame being poor or damaged. Here’s the other thing about me. I blame no one. I blame nothing. It’s just the hand I was dealt. Truth be told, I like the fact that I’m different. I have tons of confidence but I doubt everything I do. I trust my instincts, to a fault. Yet, I will ask four hundred people about my decision, to make sure it’s on point. I could find more success than I could ever dream and it still wouldn’t be enough, even though I don’t think I deserve any of it.

That’s a look inside the mind of a foster kid. And I think I can explain it. For a portion of a foster kid’s life, there is limbo. You don’t measure up. You are unwanted. Then something magical happens. You end up on your own, without falling on your face. The bar for success for a foster kid is pretty low. Keep from being homeless and you are a success. Think about that for just a second before you make that face. (The face you made when you read the bar for success for a foster kid is low)

You’ve done it. You’ve said the words, haven’t you? Someone you think as “normal” says they were in care. The first thing you say is “oh, wow”, generally, the next words that come out of that mouth are; “good for you” or “you should be proud of yourself”.

See, that little compliment gives someone like me a small boost of confidence. But all I did was not starve to death! That’s what you are proud of me for? Would you expect the same from your child? “Little Timmy, you don’t need to get a job or fend for yourself because you managed not to go hungry this year.” Ridiculous to think that is a compliment. But it gives a foster kid a sense that he’s done something.

So for the first part of your life you think you’re worthless then, all of a sudden, the world tells you are worth something. Now you have to reprogram. Most former foster kids that find any level of success brings their foster care baggage with them. Maybe they always have to have food on them. Maybe they need to check the locks a dozen times before they can sleep. Maybe they keep a bugout bag in their car(you know, a bugout bag, a bag full of supplies in case you have to leave in a hurry). Whatever the quark, we take it with us.

I can’t take a compliment. I’m self deprecating and am confused in the level of confidence I should have in myself when I walk in a room. And a million other ticks and quarks that make me tough to deal with. But, I’m highly effective. I get an idea and until the idea results in a finished product I am relentless. I have an abused pit bull mentality. I know I can get the job done. If I have to get hit with a newspaper a couple hundred times before I can accomplish my goal, that’s just a part of the game.

My skin is beyond thick, it’s almost metal. I can take verbal beatings and psychological warfare with the best of them. But when the show is over and it’s just me and the pages, I have quietly fallen apart. I believe my product is better than anything foster care related out there and yet I stress over agency newsletters and whether or not they’re doing a better job than I am doing.

All of these contradictory emotions come into play when someone compliments me. I got through a strange 5 stage of grief thing.

Denial. This person must have me confused with someone else. There is no way they think I’m all these nice things.
Anger. How dare this person assume I need their validation! (I totally need it)
Bargaining. Maybe they are talking about me. This feels okay. Maybe I should give them a free subscription?
Depression. Now I have to worry about letting them down? Why did they even bother saying something?
Acceptance. Okay, I do a good job, I work hard. I appreciate them taking the time to say something.

And that’s how I live!?!?! Again, I know I’m odd. I know that I’m unpolished and lack tact. I’m also aware that there is no one else out there like me. No one with the ability to be unbiased despite my background. No one who will work harder or wants it more. But at the same time I'd like to be accepted like those more polished people. I want folks to know about the work it takes to do this job.

I don’t foresee me changing anytime soon. So I hope folks will see the value of the work and not the crazy guy behind the curtain. So when you see me, a head nod will suffice.