We fostered our sons for two years before deciding to adopt. I never dreamed that the adoption we would complete would be a foster care adoption of older boys, ages 10, 12, and 14. I always thought that if we adopted it would be a much younger child joining our family, perhaps an infant or a toddler girl, not three boys with extreme needs, but there we were one November morning with three preteen, teenage boys and our four-year-old birth daughter, standing in front of a judge.
While our parenting journey was rough, the rewards of adopting our sons from foster care helped to balance out those bad days. We learned that we can help children overcome past trauma and become true Star Changers.
Foster adoptive parents are offered the unique opportunity to help a child heal from past hurts. Many children due to severe neglect hoard food and need to learn how to trust a parent will regularly provide food. Other children need the opportunity to know that the dark is nothing to fear and that they will be safe in their beds over night. Foster care adoptive parents can show a child that someone will be there to pick them up on time after school, and that they will not be abandoned or forgotten. Adoptive parents can help a child process the multiple moves between foster home placements that many of these children experience and lovingly demonstrate the meaning of the words “forever family.” Those words have probably been thrown around during their time in foster care, but never truly honored.
One of my favorite movies is “A Knights Tale” with Heath Ledger. It tells the story of a poor man, John Thatcher, who takes his young son, William, played by Ledger, to be a squire for a knight. Thatcher leaves his son with the following words, “Change your stars and live a better life than I have.” William dreamed of being a knight one day, but only those of noble birth were allowed to have such an honor and William was a peasant’s son. Several years later, the knight suddenly dies, and William decides to put on the knight’s armor and joust under a fake identity. After winning numerous tournaments, it is discovered that he is not a true knight, and William finds himself in the stocks, ridiculed by the crowds that were once cheering his name. But, William had earned the respect of Prince Edward, who knighted him “Sir. William” and he was released from the stocks and allowed to joust as a real knight, under his own name.
William Thatcher truly changed his stars, from a poor peasant to a knight, something that seemed like an impossible dream.
I feel that as adoptive parents of children from the foster care system we too are in the position to help a child change his stars, to live better lives.
There is a high need for parents who are not intimidated by a child’s behaviors and special needs, parents who are willing to do the work as a Star Changer. There is also a need for parents willing to parent older children. Many states consider older being over the age of eight according to the AFCARS report; there were 27,457 children over the age of eight waiting for an adoptive home, in 2010.
Becoming a Star Changer
Before choosing to become a Star Changer to one of the 107,011 children in care waiting for an adoptive home, assess the needs of your own family. As stated before, many of the children in foster care have endured years of abuse and neglect and their birth families have struggled with drug addiction, domestic violence, and poverty. Of the 436,321 substantiated reports of child maltreatment in 2010, over 78% of the children suffered neglect, 17% endured physical abuse, and 9% suffered sexual abuse.
It’s no wonder that many of these children feel trapped by their own humble beginnings and have no idea how to live a better life or how to change their stars. But, is your family the right family for this important job? Is
there enough room physically, emotionally, and financially for another child?
If you feel confident that you are ready to take on this responsibility, the next step would be to contact your state’s foster care adoption agency. Talk with the social workers over the adoption program. Ask questions about their foster care adoption process and the children available in your area. Be prepared as the social workers will also want to ask you questions. They will want to know a few simple details about your family and why you are interested in adopting a child. They may also be interested in coming to your home for a quick visit. Most states ask that families interested in adopting a child from foster care complete foster care classes. These classes take several weeks, but are very informative about the children in care, the needs of the children, and how to best meet those needs. Know that the pain the child feels does not fade or go away once an adoption is finalized.
Also, take time to assess your extended family, friends, and community. Will you have the support needed to be successful? Do you have easy access to mental health care? Before adopting, ask the adoption agency what supports they have in place for the child. Ask other adoptive parents who they go to for support. Check to see what your community offers for parents and families that are struggling with behaviors. Are your friends and family supportive of your interest in adoption? See if your friends and family are willing and ready to offer help as needed. You may need breaks, or a listening ear.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski