Resilience

Connecting with a Foster Child

She said, “I should not be crying.”  Her eyes were filled with tears. I responded by saying, “Yes you should cry. Cry for all of the times that
you could not cry but wanted too.  Cry for the child inside of you that suffered all the pain that you went through. Release it from yourself
and you will move forward. It’s not too late to heal.”

She is a 41 years old woman and a child who grew up in the Philadelphia foster care system. As we spoke and I listened to her story, I could
see the pain in her eyes. I could hear the sadness in her voice. Feel the torment in her soul. See the small innocent child inside of her that did
not have a voice. She was scared to talk about what had happened to her but even more scared to feel the feelings brewing inside of her. They
were overwhelming, even at the age of 41. I sat and listened to her story.

She talked about how she was abused not only in her biological home but also in the foster homes where she once lived.  Four in all, she told
me.  “It was awful,” she said. “I did not know what to do or why I deserved this life.” I looked at her and said, “You did nothing to cause
what happened to you.  You did not hold your hand up and say, “Can I please be born into these circumstances?” Rather, she was a victim of
circumstances. She is now a person of strength and courage.  She is a survivor and a warrior!

In my years of working with and writing about foster children, I am always amazed by the resiliency that so many of these children have
despite the circumstances they suffered. Many foster children are strong despite the fact that they were victims of unforeseen circumstances. I
often find myself asking, “Why do some of these children become so resilient while others fall through the cracks?” The answer seems to be
a combination of pure inner strength, an innate desire to survive and the influence of a positive person in the foster child’s life.

Some foster children survive their circumstances by stuffing their feelings deep down inside themselves. Many of us may not agree with this
coping technique, however, if we think of it as a protective defense against further pain, you may change your mind. Their feelings are
something that no one can touch or take away. It becomes their solitude. Although it is painful for them to carry these misunderstood
feelings with them, it is something that gives them strength.  This is most likely why many foster children do not want to share such feelings
with their foster parents.

Many foster children also have an innate desire to survive the circumstances that are thrown at them.  Some foster children may just
manifest this ability. It is a part of their make-up. They believe within themselves that things will get better and they will survive. Many
children in the system have confided in me that they always felt they were more than just a child in foster care. They believed that there was
more to them than the label they were given.

Foster children also need a positive influence in their lives to manifest resilience. It can be a foster parent, a teacher, a therapist or a friend’s
parent.  Everyone needs someone to believe in them and encourage their wants and dreams. This concept is extremely important for foster
children, since they most likely did not receive this in their biological homes. Foster children that receive this gift of encouragement often are
successful in the world.

Foster parents have a very difficult task when it comes to caring for a child. Often times, foster parents report the struggles that they
experience with the foster child and cannot understand why love is not enough to help the child succeed. The truth is that love is not enough.
Foster children need much more than love to form a healthy attachment. They need what is known as a, "corrective emotional experience."