So, What Are You Trying to Say?

The following is a chapter from the book Life in the Foster Lane, Practical Insights on Fostering Teens by Lesia Knudsen (October 2018) Used by permission

Communicating with teens can be like speaking to someone in a foreign country. You don’t speak the same language. You’re talking but they just stare at you with a blank look on their faces, shaking their head “no,” and making “I don’t know” gestures with their hands. That’s because you don’t know their language and they don’t know yours. I see this with teens all…the…time. When young people are little they talk all the time, to the point that you kind of wish they would be quiet. Once they reach that dumbfounding adolescent teen stage, things can go silent. Our job as parents is to figure out ways to keep the lines of communication open and maintain some sort of relationship.

We must learn their language and they must learn ours. We also should consider what the language barriers might be, such as learning challenges or comprehension issues. The challenge for us is to get to know our kids. What do they respond to? What offends them in the way we talk? Can they take being spoken to in a straightforward manner, or do they need the gentle touch? This is the time when the arts of listening, patience, and understanding come in handy.

Let your foster teens know they have the freedom to talk to you about anything, and that you won’t retaliate or get angry if they express something negative. You won’t flip out if they say they don’t like lasagna, or the detergent makes them itch. Let them know you won’t judge them and their opinions. Most of the time they won’t want to make waves, out of fear that they may get in trouble or be sent to another home. I had one girl who would never say she didn’t like something. She would just go with the flow because in her home, her parents would get mad at her if she spoke up. We had to reassure her that we were not going to do that. Our actions had to speak louder than our words.

When giving instructions it is important to be very clear. For instance, “Joey one of your chores is to clean the bathroom once a week on Wednesday. This is how we would like it done.” We like to write instructions down for them. We show them how it’s done, then we let them do it, and then we check it. When we check their work, we make it a positive experience so they don’t think we are criticizing them or judging them. We point out the good things and say, “Looks good, just a little more Windex on the mirror to get those streaks out and it will be fine.” As time goes on and they trust us we can be a little more straightforward.

Since we don’t know what communication was like for them at home we cannot assume anything. An important question to ask is, “What did you hear me say?” This is very important if the conversation begins to escalate. Their minds go all over the place, so be clear not just in the actual words, but in the intent behind the words. By the same token, we ask them the same question in reverse: “This is what I heard you say; is that what you meant?”

Sometimes we may feel like we need to say everything right now. Things may be escalating, and you feel you must get your point across. Well, what we need to say may be important, but so is timing. Saying everything you have to say when things are heated, or attitudes are—well— funky, may not be the best strategy to make your point. Wait until things calm down and they will be more likely to listen. Your goal is for them to hear what you have to say, so if that means waiting until the next hour or the next day then do that. There is a time for everything.

Nothing is more crucial to your relationship with your foster teen than listening. Listening will take you a long way with teens and is the number one way to communicate with them. Teens need to be heard, and if they feel they aren’t being heard they will shut down fast. All hopes of a relationship and conversation could be lost until you prove to them that they are valued, respected, and heard. My relationships with my foster kids and kids in juvenile probation have all been successful because I listen. I listen to a lot of nonsense and things I can never unhear! But by listening I am able to let them know that I value their voice, their opinion, and how they feel. They know I listen to understand and listen without judgment. As I gain their trust I am able to be more and more straightforward and honest about what I hear, without passing judgment. Listening is truly an art that our society has lost. But I am confident that we can find it again and model it for the young people that come through our doors. #Ihearyou