Live Through This

Oh, what strange times these are.

Not the first time you’ve heard that this month, is it?

I’ll bet you think I’m going to write about the election. Maybe how I feel about the results.

Nope. No. Not a chance. Hell no. Hell to the no (ya know? For emphasis.)!

I’m a Gen Xer. That means I’m a little older than a Millennial but not nearly old enough to be a Baby Boomer. In fact, if I understand the whole “generations” thing (there may be a Generation Y too), I was raised by Baby Boomers. The Boomers, the bulk of them anyway, had this rule about what you shouldn’t talk about at the dinner table…maybe it was the Greatest Generation, who the hell knows at this point?

The fabled “3 Things You Don’t Talk About at Dinner” has been forever embedded in my brain. Sex, money and politics. I’ve added religion to my personal “Things That Piss People Off” list. It made sense to me. I’m of the “don’t start nothin, won’t be nothin” school of thinking. I’m well versed on all these topics (I know what you’re thinking, “Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo”, not quite, I’m way taller!) and I can absolutely hold my own in a salon or debate on them. But why bother? Isn’t the world angry enough without my adding my two cents? I think so. I sit out, especially in the world of politics. That was tough to pull off this year.

Does it mean I don’t care? Hardly, I care deeply. Chief among the things I care about is how the election will impact foster care. And publicly, that’s all I’ll talk about in regards to politics. But not today!

Nope. Today I write about something that has been a part of every single issue of the magazine: Hole’s album, Live Through This. (Bet you didn’t see that comin!)

A little background? Sure. As you know, if you’ve read any of my work, I am a goth lovin, emo phasing, grunge dressing, hip-hop talkin, teen of the 90’s. Unfortunately for my wife, I haven’t really grown up yet. Coincidentally, my taste in music hasn’t matured either. But with lyrics like, “You’re stupid, I’m smarting” how can I not love it?!?!? I’ve written about my love affair with my Walkman, the only thing that made it to and from care with me. My love of the music of the 90’s is well documented.

So, we come to the sometimes lovely and classy, though back then raunchy and dangerous would have been more apt descriptive words for Courtney Love. Some of you know her from film or TV. I know her as the foul-mouthed Lead Singer of one of my favorite bands; Hole. This hard-rocking group was comprised of Love, a female guitarist, a male guitarist and a female drummer.

I’m 80% that 1994 was the year I entered foster care. I’m 100% sure that Live Through This was the first album I bought while in care. The album came out a week after the death of who was then my hero, Kurt Cobain, Love’s husband and Lead Singer of Nirvana, the band that shaped my teen years.

I bought it for answers. I bought it to hear Kurt’s words through Love’s voice. He didn’t write much on the album but you can hear his influence throughout. Like most kids in care, I was pretty lost. I wanted something that would transport me to the good times of previous years. Nirvana had been poisoned by my entrance to care. I wasn’t melancholy enough for the Counting Crows. Nine Inch Nails and Manson would come soon but I wasn’t angry enough for that my first year in care. Hole was the answer. Angry enough for me to get some of my anger out but not so angry that my caseworker needed to keep an eye on me.

I listened to that album until Love’s nasally voice sounded almost normal. It helped me live through it (pun wasn’t intended, but how fun?). And it was for that reason that I popped the album on the ole YouTube when I was struggling to finish the very first layout of the magazine all those years ago,. Wouldn’t feel right to finish an issue without it playing in the background.

Okay, so how was that for a distraction from the world? (Here’s the magical part where I pull it all together and connect it to foster care in a meaningful way…wait for it.)

We all need that distraction. There may be no more worthy people to receive a distraction than the folks who work in the world of foster care. Foster parents, caseworkers, the law side of it all, but especially the kids, deserve that distraction.

I’ve worn out the phrase “I got lucky”, since I started the magazine, I’ve probably said it about my time in care and my life after, more than any other phrase in these pages. However, I got lucky by having music and basketball to escape from my life.

Most of these kids in care don’t have an outlet, creating a generation (there’s that word again) of unsure, angry vessels of pent up frustration. Even in the best foster home, that child’s life is still in a constant state of disarray and in a lot of cases, emptiness. I remember the value of getting out of my own head back in those days. And at this exact moment, the people who are to take care of today’s kids are distracted by the events of the world. Take some time away from politics, away from what might be, away from all the uncertainty and spend that time with them. They’re uncertain too, but for much more important reasons than who will sit in the White House. (I tied that all in a neat bow, huh? Wait till you see this one)

Speaking of the White House, (nice, right?) the President-Elect has selected Tom Price, a Representative from Georgia as the new Head of the Department of Health and Human Services, the office that oversees the Administration of Children, Family and Youth, which handles all things care. No ACF Head has been announced at the time of publication. I’ll keep you in the loop.

On a more solemn note, the Publisher of Fostering Families Today and Adoptions Today, Richard Fischer, passed away on Thanksgiving. The Chronicle of Social Change has a very nice piece about his life on their website. It’s worth a look. Fischer was a thoughtful, kind man. A seasoned veteran of publishing, he took his publishing experience and background as an adoptive parent to create two great publications that have been around since 1998. I had the privilege of meeting Mr. Fischer in Denver at the 2015 FFTA conference. Though we were technically competitors, in a field of very little competition, he was nothing short of a gentleman. He spoke to me about some of the accomplishments and struggles we shared. He didn’t talk down to me, didn’t treat me like the young annoying kid on the block. He spoke to me as if I were his equal. I am not. Mr. Fischer was a far better man than I could hope to be.

This isn’t the business to be in if you want a spotlight, quite the opposite. He was and I am the platform for other people to tell their story or prove the worth of their advocacy. It isn’t about us at all. Though it is slightly different for me, I’m the face of this magazine and my background makes me a public speaker. Mr. Fischer worked in complete anonymity. Kim Hansel is the editor of his publications, like me, she hears the good and bad first. She gets yelled at when things go wrong and the praise when things go right. The accolades would find Mr. Fischer after the fact. It wasn’t a life unappreciated however, those who knew him, knew what he did for adoptive youth and kids in care, made sure he knew his value. They would celebrate all the kids who were adopted through his effort. He knew he was loved.

That’s all we can ask when it’s over. Knowing you are loved and your work appreciated, must bring great comfort.

A salute to a good man who led a great life. Condolences to his family and the staff of his publications as they soldier on.

Those last two subjects; the appointment of the HHS Head and the passing of Mr. Fischer, are great examples of why I try to work all the way up to the end of the month. If not for my chaotic schedule, I wouldn’t have been able to bring you this news.

I should make a point of saying that I wrote nearly this entire column well before Thanksgiving. It is not lost on me that the title of Hole’s album doesn’t fit with the sad news that happened over the holiday. I hope it isn’t considered insensitive to leave the column as is, despite that bad news. I have nothing but respect for Mr. Fischer and his memory.

I should make a point of mentioning National Adoption Month. Rita Soronen the President of DFTA, was kind enough to pen a nice article on the evolution of this month of adoption awareness. It’s a great tool to inform the general public about the need of adoption, especially from care. From my viewpoint, the month was a big success, with many donating on Giving Tuesday.

Okay, have at this great issue. You deserve the distraction.