The following interview profiles the life of Regina Calcaterra, a successful author, lawyer, New York State official, and activist. However, her early years were painful and far different. Regina and her four siblings survived an abusive childhood only to find themselves faced with the many challenges of the foster-care system, along with the intermittent homelessness, in the shadows of Manhattan and the Hamptons. Her heartbreaking memoir which chronicles this, Etched in Sand, is an inspiring story of tenacity and hope.
Regina, what is the best way to describe your bio?
My memoir, Etched in Sand, is a story of resilience, optimism and tenacity. It is about my four siblings and I who were born to the same mentally ill mother but we all had different fathers. Our mother’s mental illness, and fathers abandonment, contributed to our unrelenting instability. We would constantly move quickly shifting from houses and apartments to trailers, homeless shelters, foster homes, cars and then the streets. But regardless of where we lived, the older siblings would work to make each place we lived a home for the younger siblings.Then as my older sisters grew they began transitioning out of the unstable living situation and by the age of twelve, I was left with caring for my younger siblings.
Through my experiences Etched in Sand chronicles how we, as a sibling group, lived on the fringe of society and struggled to survive. All the while avoiding the authorities by keeping a pact that it was better to stay together on our own then be separated and again placed at the hands of complete strangers.
As a recently, retired teacher, myself, how did your schools and teachers and teachers influence you in either a positive or in some cases, negative way?
In Etched in Sand I used the examples of a few teachers who stood out in my youth, I included four who were exemplary and one who was not. The educators who had positive influences on me built up my self-worth by telling me that I was smart and talented while reminding me that I can determine my own fate as long as I stay in school and plan for college. So many of my educators repeatedly advised me that education is my pathway out of poverty, so I just began believing it. This drumbeat of encouragement allowed me to push past those teachers who did not hesitate to shame me before my classmates. For example, in Etched in Sand I share an experience with one teacher I was assigned to after I was placed in a new foster home in a new town at a new school. She chose to announce to the class that I was a foster kid and because of that I would be placed in remedial reading and math groups. With that one statement she let the class know that she believes that all foster children have learning disabilities. Fortunately for me, I had more teachers that treated me kindly than poorly.
Who were the teachers who have influenced your life in a positive way? What did they do to encourage this? When did this first happen in your life?
My fourth grade teacher Mrs. Muse, fifth grade teacher Ms. Van Dover and high school teachers Mr. Ferry and Mr. McGuire were those who had the most influence. They would not only encourage me but took the time to speak to me before or after class, ask me if I had food to eat, if everything was fine at home and tried to find out what I liked to read or spend time to doing in an effort to personally connect with me. In high school, Mr. Ferry and Mr. McGuire put me on the path to college by placing me in college advancement classes, helping me complete the college exam applications, reminding me to study and told me that I should apply to a university instead of a community college. They providing me guidance on matters my foster parents and other adults in my life had no experience in.
How young were you when you first realized that you could slowly, in any way possible, try and constructively change conditions for you and your family? At what age did you realize there were things you could not change?
I first imagined how my life could be different through books. While in elementary school I began reading as many books on US historic figures I could access. It is through their stories that I learned about others who lived through diversity to achieve great successes, which included positively impacting the lives of those around them. In fact, I recall at the age of seven that I read every book on Amelia Earhart I could get my hands on. She was a woman who ignored societal norms and stereotypes and chose to determine her own fate. She was gutsy and fearless. Reading planted the first seed that I may have a chance to change my plight. The next was planted by teachers and the third by parents of children I befriended. There were parents who would take me home, bath me, feed me, give me a toothbrush and try to teach me how to blow my nose. It was through their actions in their homes that I began to learn what a healthy home environment was, something that I could not learn in books or experience in school. The combination of education, libraries, encouraging teachers and the pure kindness of others is what provided me insight to what can be changed for my siblings and I. The only thing I knew that I could not change was my mother’s behavior. I learned that at a very young age.
What do school staff need to know, in order to better understand and positively shape the lives of their students who are foster children?
The most important thing to remember is to never make a promise you cannot keep. Children in foster care have been made promises by countless adults in their lives that have been broken over and over. Broken promises cause distrust and will further alienate the child from the teacher. I’d also recommend never disclosing the foster child’s status to their classmates or parents of their classmates. Such disclosure can easily marginalize them.
Are you currently working on programs to connect school staff and school programs with the previous question?
My focus is to advocate for the adoption of older foster children. I am on the board of an organization called You Gotta Believe that works towards getting older foster children adopted before they age out of foster care at the ages of 18 or 21, depending upon which state they reside in. If our foster youth age out parentless they are at significant risk of becoming homeless or incarcerated. So finding them permanent loving homes is critical in ensuring them stability. I do hope that my suggestions here will be considered by educators who have the opportunity to read this interview.
How can social workers better understand and positively shape the lives of foster children? Has any of these practices been enhanced since you authored your first book?
The best way a social worker can positively impact the life of a child is to always act in the child’s best interest. The child’s best interest should supersede the best interest of the parent, the courts and the social service system they work in. Readers have taken away many messages from Etched in Sand, but the one that really has made a difference is that foster children do not have a voice. After reading Etched in Sand readers wrote me to say how they never realized how marginalized children in foster care are and the one thing that frustrated them throughout my story is that no one listened to us, because we were poor or in foster care. We were voiceless. So in response, many readers have joined an organization called Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA). CASA trains volunteers how to serve as the representative to a foster child. They do this by learning as much about the child and their situation as possible so when an issue comes up where the child needs representation, the CASA will actually make recommendations that are truly in the child’s best interest.
Another way social workers can enhance the life of a child in foster care is to focus on finding them families (if they are on the path to becoming freed for adoption), especially for the older teens. Finding a forever family for a youth in foster care will have a lifetime impact. Social workers can first begin doing this by asking the child about adult connections they made in the past and then trying to track those connections down. If any of the past connections are not viable parents, then work with the child to learn what they want in a family and locate organizations such as You Gotta Believe that will work to find the right family for the youth. Getting a child a forever family is the greatest gift any social worker can bestow upon a child.
What would you like for society to take away from reading your riveting, masterpiece of Etched in Sand?
I hope that Etched in Sand reminds readers of the power they have, for that moment in time when a child in need is before them. Children in need look to others for positive reinforcement, self-worth and encouragement. We have that one moment in time when they are before us to do just that. We may never know what happens to them when they move onto their next place, but if each of us are kind to them when they are before us, we will have forever impacted them. I was fortunate enough to have more adults in my life that were kind to me, than those who were not, and they made a difference. Because when it was my time to choose what path I wanted to go down, that of a brighter future or the one my mother did, I chose the brighter path only because others showed me that there was one and that I was deserving of it. I want readers to take from Etched in Sand that every interaction they have with a child in need matters.
You have written another book, based upon the delicate, poignant life experiences of your younger sister, Rosie. Why did you write this book, and what would you like for society to learn and grow from, by reading it?
After reading Etched in Sand, readers began asking what happened to Rosie. They inquired about her on social media and asked about her whenever I spoke before them. After telling Rosie that she peaked the curiosity of so many, she suggested that we write her story together, and we did. It will be published in October by HarperCollins Publishing. Rosie’s struggles were much harder than mine she suffered circumstances that I was never exposed to. While my journey included that of my older sisters, hers was one of isolation. Despite what she had experienced, she overcame, fought back and never allowed others to break here. Rosie’s story, like Etched in Sand, will show readers the power of optimism, resilience and how acts of kindness can forever impact the life of a child in need. Of course, it should not be a surprise that many of those who encouraged and protected Rosie were educators.
Of what accomplishments are you most proud at this point in your life? In addition, are there more life goals in which you are striving?
I am most proud of my family and what they accomplished. My siblings have given me twelve nieces and nephews that will never know what we suffered. Within one generation they broke the cycle of abuse and abandonment and have raised compassionate and caring children who give back to church and charity. Doing what they did, without a good role model is a tremendous accomplishment.
I am also proud of the everlasting impact that Etched in Sand has had. Many readers have actually adopted older foster children after reading it. Others have joined CASA and are now giving children in foster care their own voice and others have just started to simply pay more attention to the children around them and what they may be going through.
I recently became a mother to Brezan, a young woman who aged out of foster care. So my next life goal is to be the best mother I could to this amazing young woman.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski