Show is over, close the story book
There will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well, they're reaching for the door
I watch their backs as they leave single file
You stood stubborn, cheering all the while
I know I can be colorful, I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortunate
'Cause I know you will love me either way
Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn't pantomime
You are more beautiful when you awake
Than most are in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory
Stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy
I know I can be colorful, I know I can be gray
And I know this loser's living fortunate
And I know you will love me either way
That’s my favorite film song with words. (Forrest Gump Suite wins hands down EVERYTIME)
It’s a Verve Pipe song, you remember them from the song “Freshman”. The song, called “Colorful”, was featured in the Mark Wahlberg film, “Rock Star”, which is also favorite film of mine (again, Forrest Gump wins this one).
The film itself is about a kid from Pennsylvania (Pittsburgh) who idolizes an 80’s hair band named Steel Dragon. This love of a band leads him to start a cover band and mimic every aspect of the lead singer’s life. He wears the clothes, sings the songs, he even pierces the same body part of his idol. His cover band garners the attention of the actual band. The dilemma becomes his desire to be the man while replacing his hero in the band.
The backdrop to this “local boy makes good story” is the unrelenting love of his girlfriend played by Jennifer Aniston. Through each change in his life she is there to lend an ear, a shoulder or a heart for him to lean on.
Ultimately he gets too big for his own good and it forces Aniston’s character away.
After the rollercoaster ride ends they find each other in a Seattle coffeehouse and the screen fades to black.
Kind of a common tale, no? Someone lives out their dream and someone is left behind.
Not always the case though. Sometimes the fortunate loser keeps everything together as he/she climbs the ladder to the top.
Not to say that I’m climbing to the top, I don’t take myself that seriously, I’m more on a steady climb to the middle! All kidding aside, I am a fortunate loser. I’m doing things I probably shouldn’t be doing, talking to people who probably shouldn’t pay me any mind and I go places I’ve only seen on TV.
My Aniston is named Trisha and my band consists of my three kids. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who gets to go on tour.
In the film Wahlberg’s character works tirelessly to recreate the moves and sounds of his favorite singer from his favorite band. His friends think he’s crazy. His brother swears he’s on hard drugs. The folks at his day job thinks he’s bananas too. He stays true, keeps at it, and never stops believing. I can relate.
The movie makes a point of showing Aniston’s belief in the talent. Her blind faith is what keeps them together and keeps him believing in himself that he could be in the spotlight. I can relate to that too, I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I know I do somethings well but I also know I have a lot of inefficiencies that could easily keep me down on the lowest step of the ladder.
This is where the phrase “behind every great man is a great woman” comes into play.
The woman behind this particular man is far greater than the man himself. My wife is a way better person than I am, in nearly every respect. A much better parent than I am. A much better family member and neighborhood member than I am. More loving than I can ever be. More thoughtful than anyone should expect me to be. Always happy. Always. She’s a quality daughter to her mother and a quality mother to her daughters. She’s good lookin too!
More important than all those traits, is her ability to let me loose.
I’ve spent the better part of my life being held back. Held back in school. Held back in work. Held back in life during my lost Ritalin years. Held back on the basketball court. Held back in general. All that changed when I met my wife.
It’s an amazing feeling, the first time a wild dog is let off the leash. I ran and ran. No idea I had was silly anymore. I was taken seriously. Whatever brilliance I possess was nurtured and encouraged.
I came up with three great ideas that first month we were together. Those sketches sit in a notepad as proof that I created them. I didn’t take the proper steps in my youth to protect those ideas and now someone else benefits from putting in the work. Maybe someday I’ll share those ideas with the world, for no other reason than to justify Trisha’s belief in me.
Talk about a weird side effect of love; the praise isn’t for me anymore. I don’t really enjoy compliments or praise but I run to my wife to show her what people are saying about me like one of my kids with a gem from art class to put on the fridge. Maybe its leftover foster care residue but I want to show her that the person she’s entrusted her life to is up to the challenge.
It’s an interesting balancing act that the star of Rockstar never quite got a handle on. He let the acclaim get the best of him. I’ve been a fortunate loser when it comes to the acclaim. I’ve won some awards, hell, the magazine took runner up in a contest of the top social worker related magazines in the country a couple years ago. The awards are awesome (give me more please) and add credibility to the work I’m doing but they aren’t the beginning or end of me.
For 48 months I’ve pulled my naturally lazy self (I’m a hustler too, I know, I’m a very complex man) to my computer to create Foster Focus. And for 48 months I’ve been content to do it for a subscription fee and a thank you. What’s most important is that for 48 months the mother of my children has looked at me as someone she can be proud to call her husband.
I’ve been pretty clear in stating that though just like Wahlberg’s character in the film, I too am a generally good person, not great, just good. I have faults coming out of my ears that I’m not proud of but all the bad is superseded by the good that I do and the life I’m providing for my family. All the ugly in me is masked by these beautiful kids I helped create and the woman who stands stubbornly clapping as the room empties each month.
Like Wahlberg’s character, I forget where I am, can’t see beyond today and am easy pickings when it comes to an inflatable ego. The only reason I’m not seeking out the attention that comes with what I do is because I already get more attention than I want at home! Three kids and a wife are more capable of giving me way more attention than I enjoy.
At this point in the game, the work is what’s important.
I’ve already gone well beyond my own expectations. Starting year 5 is an accomplishment that a lot of people (including me) never thought they would see. One dude and a national mag? Who can blame them? What they didn’t know is that I have seen Rockstar about 4 million times and in that film there lies a scene, a scene that changed what I think about attention, the spotlight or fame. In that scene the singer Wahlberg is replacing tells him what it takes to be a star. “Sex, drugs and rock and roll? Well, you already know about the sex. Drugs? Never touch them. Rock and roll? Bed every night at 9pm. Practice and rehearsals constantly. Exercise. You think someone half my age can do what I do? They can’t! It takes work and dedication. That’s what it takes!”
That is what it takes. It’s as true in the entertainment world as it is in my world. It takes hours of no sleep. Hours away from the family. Miles and miles of travel. Piles and piles of money I don’t have. Seeing both sides of every story. Having no predetermined opinions on anything. The want and ability to go anywhere at the drop of a hat to support something foster care related. It takes missed games, missed picnics, and missed memories. That’s what it takes!
In the end, the admiration of thousands didn’t match the love of one for Wahlberg’s character and he cuts his hair and sets out on his own. I can relate. I’ve always been on my own but I wouldn’t trade the admiration of thousands for the love of my family in a second.
The magazine is in all 50 states and a dozen countries around the world now but if my family indicated that it was too much for them, I would stop tomorrow.
There a lot of things I know now that I didn’t know before. The thing I’ve known since I met my lovely wife is; I know I can be colorful, I know I can be gray, I know this loser's living fortunate and I know you will love me either way.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski