A Special FosterClub Submission
I often wonder if anyone wants to hear my story. For so many years, I hid. I muted my story, covered up the truth one-way or the other. So why am I sharing my life with you? What does my story have to do with you? Frankly, it might have nothing to do with you, but to thousands of youth in foster care; it has a lot to do with them. My experiences in foster care, how I was treated or mistreated, how others cared or didn’t care, are the reasons you should know me. My name is Ernesto. I’m 24 years of age, and I am a gay man who was in foster care for six years.
I was 13 years old when my little brother and I entered the foster care system. We were initially placed in a shelter. I immediately didn’t feel safe and became increasingly scared of the other guys in the shelter. They called me names, taunted me without repercussions.
I knew I was gay around the age of five. I liked boys. I also knew people didn’t or wouldn’t accept it. You were bullied for being gay. Now though, now I was in foster care. The fear of the unknown and separation from my brother, on top of the fear of being different or singled out kept me from coming out. My coping mechanism was to hide who I was. At the shelter I learned to retreat, and didn’t talk to anyone other than my little brother. After three months, we were moved to a foster home in San Antonio.
It took a couple weeks before I trusted we were in a great home with great parents. My new foster parents were very welcoming. However, I never felt comfortable enough to come out. I kept my sexuality hidden for fear of the unknown. What would happen if they found out I was gay? Would I be separated from my brother? What would the other boys in the house do to me?
I did love my foster parents and I felt safe, to a point. Behind closed doors my foster brothers harassed and picked on me - wrote “FAGGOT” on my duffel bag. There were so many days I cried in the shower or stayed awake late into the night to cry just so no one would hear me. There were a few times when I came close to telling my foster parents, but I was afraid they would move me - move me out of the foster house and away from my little brother.
I tried to trick myself into thinking I wasn’t gay. I played sports to make myself seem “normal” and make friends - to feel more accepted. I dated girls, inventing attraction to them so people would stop harassing me. No one was there to support me, only harass me. Because of the verbal abuse, I never dated a guy in high school. I hate that I wasn’t brave enough. I wish I knew what it was like to be young and in love and to make silly decisions over a summer fling. I wish there was an adult who saw that I was suppressing something and told me it was okay to be who I was. Someone to tell me I was safe, and no one was going to hurt me. I wish I had those high school experiences back.
We went to a Christian church. I was never forced to go, and I loved going to church for the people and the friends I had made. Conversely, going to church made me feel worse about my thoughts about guys. This added to the fear of coming out. What would those from the church think or do?
My biggest fear with coming out was backlash from the other boys in the foster house, from those at the church and school, and the possibility of being removed from the house. I knew if they decided to move me had I come out, there would be no place for me to go. There are not LGBTQ friendly foster homes or shelters. Foster care doesn’t open their arms wide for kids like me, so I suffered in silence until my second year in college.
I continued to be very active with extra-curricular activities and in college, decided to join the men’s volleyball team. That is where I met and finally allowed myself to have a boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend, and he was a secrete boyfriend. I was too afraid to tell anyone because at the time, I was still living with my foster parents. I continued to hide.
One evening, everything spiraled out of control. My foster parents found out I was dating a guy. Everyone in my foster house found out. One of the boys who taunted me decided to post the “news” on Facebook, and that is how I came out. It was not on my own terms, and I ended up losing so many friends and family. They judged me and who I was as a person.
Depression set in and it took awhile to heal from the things that happened in my past. Decisively, I got the courage to live for myself, and I came out to others in my life. I told myself there is no more hiding, no more shame, no more name calling to put up with. I had energy and new life, and I couldn’t help but wonder what things would have been like if had I felt this safe, this confident in my past.
The challenges I faced should not be a part of a youth’s experience in the child welfare system. If I had to rate home life in foster care, it would have to be negative because of all the mental and emotional abuse I suffered. Never will I say that being in foster care was the worst — it was not. Being in foster care enabled me to reach other personal goals: I graduated from high school and attended college. However as LGBTQ foster alumni, I feel that LGBTQ youth need rights and placements they can be safe in - placements where they are not worried about fallout for being themselves.
As a system, foster parents need training and a build in support structure when they have a youth who identifies as LGBTQ. In the South where I’m from, the resources are rare and youth are often left to fend for themselves, or to live in fear. LGBTQ youth need rights they can count on to say, “I have a right to be who I am without any discrimination, without any fear.” They need people to step up and say, “We will help. We will open the doors.” There should be no gap for LGBTQ youth in foster care, but instead a community that is reliable, safe, and well educated on current issues.
While I was in foster care, I found FosterClub. Their programs, like Outstanding Young Leaders and All-Star Internship, helped me find my voice and understand that my story could impact the lives of foster youth currently in the system or will be in the system. We need to create a LGBTQ foster voice and stand strong because no youth should ever have to go through what I did.
This month, May, is National Foster Care Month. FosterClub in partnership with Human Rights Campaign, is campaigning for #FosterEquality. It is a movement calling for the safety and equal care of LGBTQ youth in foster care. Joining the movement will ultimately help mobilize action for LGBTQ youth’s rights. I ask you to visit fosterclub.org to read other LGBTQ youth stories and to get involved.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski