I graduated high school in 2008, and I had to start thinking about college. The application process was taking a long time, and I wasn’t doing much else.
Most of my endeavors during high school—martial arts, a poetry club, and working with a nonprofit organization to create an online game—were already
complete.
A mentor mentioned a magazine written by teens about their experiences in the foster care system. I’d been writing short stories and poems since I was
7, so I filled out the application. I was excited to have my dream of being a published writer come true and to meet new people who also liked to write.
I had never shared my experiences in foster care or being adopted with people I didn’t know. I felt like if I shared things, like being physically abused by
my mom’s biological son or that I was adopted, that I wouldn’t make any friends.
I read some Represent stories online. I saw that other writers were not only writing these amazing stories about being in foster care, but they were also
sharing personal experiences that I didn’t think any foster kid would reveal. I thought “If they’re brave enough, maybe it’s time I come out of the dark.” At
first, I felt embarrassed and even fearful about telling people about things like my cerebral palsy or getting my a** kicked or my biological parents giving
me up when I was 2. Growing up, my adoptive family liked to keep things private, so it was a relief to let things out. Plus I enjoy getting feedback on my
writing from people.
I got assigned a computer and started, a little nervous because I’d never worked with an editor before. I’d write a draft and my editor would put
questions and suggestions into it. I’d answer the questions and she’d put more questions in. Through many drafts, we crafted the story.
There were some days where I felt like I was taking English in high school all over again. My editor’s guidance was helpful but frustrating at times. For
example, she’d cut my sarcastic humor out sometimes. [ed. note: But not always!] Nevertheless, I could tell the collaborative editing between me and
Virginia made my stories better by helping me understand what my stories were trying to say.
One of the best (and worst) things about working with my editor is when she’d ask me to describe my feelings about a situation in a story I wrote. My
stories cover very emotional topics: my father’s death, my suicide attempt, being bullied, and getting kicked out of my mother’s house and having to
move into a shelter. I’ve had and still have trouble telling people how I feel about anything at times, so when Virginia wrote queries like “How did you feel
about that?” or “Flesh this out a little more,” I felt like I was being asked to pick a wire that could deactivate a bomb! Still, I’ve learned to be more honest
in my stories because of her insistence that I share my feelings.
Greatest Hits
The Arts issue included three of my stories, the first three to get published. “Soundtrack of My Life” was about my favorite music and how different
music genres influenced who I was and reflected what I was going through in my life: boy bands, then my “gangsta” phase; then hard rock and heavy
metal. These different music styles and personas were connected to things going on in my life like being bullied at school and feeling socially isolated
from my friends or coping with my adoptive dad’s death.
“The Life and Death of the Crippled Enigma,” was about how writing helped me and harmed me. The Crippled Enigma was a nickname I gave myself to
pay homage to my disability, cerebral palsy, and professional wrestler Jeff Hardy, known as The Charismatic Enigma.
What started out as a nickname, however, soon became the embodiment of who I was. One minute, I was the goofy kid all my friends wanted to be
around. But the Crippled Enigma was sarcastic and mean to people. He always wanted to be alone and would lash out against his loved ones for no
particular reason.
That was the first story where I revealed how angry I was that my birth parents gave me away when I was 2 and that I was bullied in junior high. I also
wrote about my sadness about losing the girlfriend I had when I was 13. I didn’t want to let people know how hurt I was because I felt like that was a sign
of weakness, so I used the Crippled Enigma to hurt others instead. It made me feel like a bully. Writing the story helped me realize how cruel I was being
to others while I was hiding from reality behind the persona. The Crippled Enigma was a mask I used to shield me from my wrongdoing and taking any
responsibility for it.
My editor pulls the best out of the writers she works with. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have been able to find all the emotion or power in my stories.
In my five years of writing here, I’ve published 22 stories, several of which have ended up in books. The most personal story I’ve written here was about
the relationship between me and my adoptive dad, who died when I was 8. I cried while writing that story because every memory I wrote about made me
wish he were still around.
Losing my dad brought on a lot of stress between me and my mother. She fed and clothed me, but she also taunted me about my disability and told
other people that my biological parents gave me up. At 16, depression started to sink in and I became suicidal. I wrote about the unsuccessful attempt
and the anguish behind it in the Mental Illness issue of Represent.
One story I didn’t think I’d have the heart to write about was being homeless. 2012 wasn’t exactly the best year of my life. My mom kicked me out and I
went to a homeless shelter in Brooklyn. The disgusting and noisy environment disrupted my studying, and I dropped out of college.
Overcoming Fears, Inspiring Others
I was homeless for almost two years [[ck]]. During that time, I turned 23, which is the age that writers stop coming to the Represent offices to write. I
spent several days a week in this office for five years.
Before writing for Represent, I’d never had a job before. I learned how to be professional in the workplace through activities like a mock interview and
helping to make several videos, which ran with my stories. I learned some office etiquette, for example, to keep the music on my headphones at a
volume that doesn’t distract the other writers.
A few times, Virginia asked me to write something quickly for an issue that was about to go to press, so I got practice in writing fast. Meeting deadlines
has made me feel like a reliable person and given me a “soft skill” that I can use at a job. I also sharpened my teamwork skills when we had staff
meetings to decide topics for upcoming issues.
I’ve accomplished a lot while writing for Represent and I’ve also gotten a lot off my chest. I’ve faced my fear of speaking my mind and even spoke on
panels and at public events. I’ve been sharing my stories over Facebook and (sometimes) Twitter. I like when people ask me about my stories, and I like
being a published writer. I’ve made new friends here; there’s a family feeling in this place.
When I share what I really feel in my stories, it’s a big relief to not hide my emotions. Being honest in what I write has also helped me inspire others. A
kid I made friends with at the shelter I lived in was uncomfortable telling people that he was homeless. I mentioned that I had been writing for Represent.
I showed him some issues and he took them back to his room and read them. He told others at the shelter and both staff and residents ended up
reading the magazine. They were surprised that someone wrote about living in a shelter in a magazine.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski