Nobody Loves Me

Rhonda:

My first exposure, as an adult, to the child welfare system was through my mentor, adopted father (I adopted him, perhaps to his dismay!), and one of the people who’s acceptance of me helped to love me into wholeness— H.H. “Corky” Kindsvater, MSW. Corky taught me in simple, practical ways his approach to helping heal kids through his work as the CEO of Hillview Acres Children’s Home. Corky’s approach to everything has been, “relationship is everything.”

I simply could not understand why a simple behavior chart hanging on the fridge didn’t solve everything. I didn’t understand why when a kid would break a window, Corky would provide a supply of handheld mirrors for the kid to break. Or when a kid wanted to run away, Corky would pack the kid a lunch, complete with a map of the area, the location of the police department, and the local rib joint where one might dig around in the dumpster out back for left-overs after the dinner hour. Or when a kid would get kicked out of school, Corky would go pick him or her up and take the kid out for a burger and a shake. All of this seemed to me to be encouraging bad behavior. But over the years I witnessed that kids who broke windows stopped breaking things. Kids previously labeled as “awol risk” nearly always returned (and they’d be stunned when Corky and his wife, Gayle, would throw a party to celebrate the return of the prodigal foster child). Kids who got thrown out of school tended to do better after having the “face time” and ability to say in that unscripted and unstructured setting what was really bothering them.

I didn’t understand therapeutic milieu, I didn’t care to know the history of the various approaches of well respected child psychologists, and I didn’t want to be a clinician. All I wanted to know was, “why do kids engage in behaviors that can harm themselves and others? And what can be done to get kids to straighten up and fly right??”  I thought that if I could understand that, I might be able to do something about helping to prevent tragedy in child welfare. Because of the many years of caring for kids without a tragedy on his watch, I turned to Corky with this question.

Corky’s answer so dramatically impacted me that it informs my worldview and every effort I make to help protect children, families, and the good people and organizations that care for them. So, what was this profound bit of wisdom?  

Corky taught me that every behavior is a statement or a question. He said that although it may be poorly articulated, the statement is always, “Nobody loves me,” and the questions is always, “Do you love me? Will
anyone ever love me?”

I’ve thought about that wisdom in relation to my own experiences, the dumb things I did when I was younger (like putting down the garage door on my then boyfriend/now husband’s prize possession car), the interactions between kids and caregivers, and now in connection to foster kids being trafficked. A kid who has been abandoned, abused, neglected, and otherwise mistreated will, in some way, ask if foster parents love her, if extended family of the foster parents love her, if teachers love her, and if friends love her. And if, in the faces of all those people, the kid feels that the answer is “NO,” she is far more susceptible to the trafficker who says the things she longs to hear.

Before you dismiss this as an over-simplification of very serious issues, let’s step back and talk about the types of behaviors that kids who have been victims of, or who have been exposed to, violence are likely to engage in. Dr. John DeGarmo, foster parent and child psychologist says, “these kids may be filled with anger and rage, lashing out at those around them. This anger may result in destruction of property or injury to themselves or others. The child may also spiral down into depression.”  Dr. DeGarmo says, “depression can intrude into all areas of a foster child’s life, from their capability to act and function in the home to their school environment and the interaction with others. They may have great difficulty in focusing on school work or life around them, and may even contemplate death or suicide.  Some signs of depression can include lack energy, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite or changes in eating habits. Feelings of guilt may also overwhelm a foster child.”  

A child who suffers from depression is more vulnerable to the lure of trafficking than a well-adjusting child would be. What can foster parents do to help kids adjust to a new normal? Dr. DeGarmo said, “Your biggest weapon to combat the challenges you and your foster child face is consistency. If you are consistent in your love, your support, and your help, you will begin to tear through those walls your foster child has erected, and begin the much needed healing process.  

The setting of rules and expectations are of the utmost importance in the first few days of placement. Just as important for your foster child, as it is for all children, is the foundation of a positive and nurturing relationship between you and your foster child.  Without this, your job as a foster parent will be all the more difficult.”

Dr. Karen Bergstrom, director of Safe Families, said, “foster kids act out trauma because that’s all they know. Their bad behavior is a reenactment of a trauma they’ve seen or experienced. Therefore, an objective evaluation of the behavior can result in the caregiver getting a glimpse into what’s going on inside the kid’s head.” Clearly, caregivers can’t do an objective evaluation while their buttons are being pushed. Dr. Bergstrom suggested that, “it’s important to calm down and put some time in between the challenging situation and the conversation about consequences. And before addressing consequences, take a more objective look at what you witnessed. What does it tell you about what the child has gone through?”

Dr. Bergstrom was hopeful about promising approaches that help kids learn new ways of interacting, and that in the process of learning, the kids are literally developing new neurological pathways in the brain that give them healthier options for reactions to future stressors. One of these promising approaches is called, “Roots of Empathy,” in which specific activities help to build empathy in kids, which helps to develop new pathways in the brain. Another is “Empowered To Connect,” by Dr. Karen Purvis, which emphasizes the importance of relationship. In all that Dr. Bergstrom does, she lives by the mantra, “connection before correction.” When healthy people establish relationship connections with victims of abuse, those kids are more likely to feel loved and are, therefore, less vulnerable to traffickers.

On the topic of healing foster kids through building new neural pathways, Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Director of Family Engagement at Anu Family Services, said, “Childhood trauma requires more than caring.  It requires seeing the big picture and responding with informed interactions that build a sense of safety, rewiring neural pathways for wellbeing.

Adults can definitely learn to do this.”

What I hear from all these experts is that establishing and nurturing relationships with foster kids is what helps to heal their broken hearts, minds, bodies, and souls. To sum it up in my overly simplistic way, if everyone will look at the children in their lives with an expression of love, and do whatever he or she can to help kids feel safe, and if we model the behavior we want to see more of, the kids within our influence will be safer and less likely to be lured into trafficking and other dangerous situations, because in our expressions, attitudes, words, and behaviors, we’re answering their poorly articulated questions with, “Yes, I do love you. You are lovable.”

For a copy of Corky Kindsvater’s book or training program, or to invite Corky to speak, visit his website:
www.relationshipsillustrated.com/RELATIONSHIPSILLUSTRATED

For any of Dr. John DeGarmo’s books on foster care, or to invite Dr. DeGarmo to speak, visit his website: http://drjohndegarmofostercare.weebly.com

To reach Dr. Karen Bergstrom, to learn about Safe Families, or to attend one of Dr. Bergstrom’s leadership training programs, contact her directly at
karen@drbergstrom.net

For practical suggestions for implementing a trauma-specific, compassionate approach to building new neural pathways, visit Tina’s website:
www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching.