Foster Siblings: Friend or Foe?

Finding Allies in The System

From funding for necessities to free therapy, there are many resources for foster children that - while still being a foster child - can be taken advantage of. Among these resources can even include other foster siblings living in the home of the child. Either by way of supporting each other or their individual learning experience, a lot can be learned from one’s peers who are dealing with similar situations and emotions.

Coming from someone who has had many different foster siblings over the course of several years I can attest that it is a mixed batch of personalities and experiences that you may be exposed to. Good or bad, all of these encounters can ultimately be revealed as a positive experience. I am someone who connects to others and trusts very easily, and although that has led me to some pain in the past, it has also led to an immense amount of good.

I have been in and out of the foster system for a multitude of reasons since my birth and have collected said encounters on both ends, but it was not until my teenage years that these experiences became truly pertinent. Let’s focus on the good this time around as it's much easier to see the positives in good experiences over the bad. 

In my earliest foster care experiences, I had both older and younger siblings in the homes -

I always wanted to connect with the older siblings, but the younger ones ended up gravitating towards me. I wanted to be involved as an older sibling - the idea of having individuals I could not only relate to, but also help in the notion that I was older and slightly more versed in life (obviously as a 16 year old I would feel like I “know it all”). Later on in life I understood how much of an impact I demonstrated with these young kids based on both the recollection of memories to me based on past interactions with these siblings as well as the negative reactions I received from future foster siblings I tried to build a relationship with. Having a bond, especially a peer, makes a person feel like they can open up without any repercussions and this is vital when at times it feels like there is nobody who understands the position they are in, as well as the feeling that there isn’t anyone they can trust.

At the same time there are opportunities for an individual in the foster care system to relate to their peers too much and overlook the negatives that may come from a potentially damaging relationship. There have been more negative sibling relationships in my life than positive but that’s not to say I did not learn anything impactful from these experiences.One instance in particular I had found myself in a foster home with a young lady who was the same age and somewhat in the same social circle as me, although we did not know each other that well coming into the home - once I realized our mutual connections I attempted to build a relationship with this female sibling that was ultimately not reciprocated. This sibling, who we will call “Gladys” acted friendly, played the understanding role I needed at the time, but was so emotionally distraught that she felt some compulsion to lie and steal from me when I didn’t act accordingly to her preference. This instance proved to me that you should be a good person but at the same time keep more fragile emotions guarded. Time and time again, even after those instances, I have found myself opening up to peers only to have them use my trust against me to improve their own situations. That is not to say that an individual going through this situation should close themselves off, but they can use these instances as a vital human experience - something that they can learn from and possibly expect in the future when dealing with higher education, social, and work related experiences. 

Ultimately, I leave you with this - the other foster children you are thrust into a sudden home life with can be some of the most impactful and memorable presences throughout the entire experience. They can shape not only how you react to others in the foster homes you are in, but also how you think of and treat yourself. Be bold, be kind, but never forget to simply be you.