When you decide to become a foster family, you not only need to prepare yourself, but prepare your children, as well. After all, their lives are going to change, too. Your children will not only be sharing their home, but they will be sharing you; their parents. This can be difficult for them to understand, and they will need your support more than ever. To be sure, there will be a time of questions from them, and they may feel concerned, worried, and confused. In our own home, my wife and I try to include our own children in the decision making when it comes to having a new child placed in our family. We do this by giving some information about the child, and ask them how they feel about it. It is important for you and your family that your children feel comfortable with the decision. It is just as important for you to consider your own children’s feeling and concerns before you have a child from foster care placed in your home.
On one occasion, we had to decline having a particular child placed in our home because we felt our own son would be placed at risk.
You see, the child from foster care was a 14 year old teenage girl who had already had been pregnant twice, and had had two abortions. My wife and I both felt that not only would it be uncomfortable for our teen age son, as he knew her from school, but that it also placed him in danger if she should make a false accusation of some kind or another against him, or even against me.
Yes, your children will likely have questions. They will likely have questions every s time a child is placed into your home, and as take in new members of their family, and even new possible play mates.
Listen, I have done this for well over a decade, and my own children have the same types of questions, every single time. It’s normal curiosity on their part, and I even have the same kind of questions, as well.
Take some time to sit down with your children and remind them why you chose to be a foster parent. If possible, give them a little training session of your own, and explain to them what it means to be a foster home, and a foster family. More importantly, explain to them what it will mean to be a foster sibling. Remember, this is a time of excitement, nervousness, and perhaps even anxiety for your own children.
Share with them, also, the information they need to know about your new foster child when he comes to your home. If they are just too little or too young to understand why a child might be in foster care, then there is no reason to confuse them even more by burdening them with this information. Your little ones just won’t t need more information or details. Now, your older children may be curious as to why the foster child is coming to live with them. It’s normal, and it’s okay. You probably want to know the same thing, as well. Go ahead and share with them what you know, and remind them that the foster child is probably hurting, frightened, and may reject your family in the first few days and weeks. Tell your children that it will take time to form a relationship with the foster child, their foster sibling.
Now, your own children may have concerns. Perhaps they are worried that they will have to share you with their new foster sibling. They may resent that there is a new person joining their family, sharing their toys, and sharing their parents. They may have feelings of jealousy or even feelings of anger. They might even be scared or worried. My own children have had some of these feelings, and yours most likely will have one or all of these at some point.
It’s normal. Indeed, every child from a foster parent family will experience one of these at some point. Even more so, there may be feelings of guilt from a biological child; a feeling of guilt stemming from the fact that they are struggling with their feelings and emotions, and don’t want to upset their parents. Again, these are all common feelings.
As a parent, you will need to reassure your child that their feelings and concerns are okay, and that they are heard and understood by you. They need this validation from you. Ask them to share their feelings with you, and listen to what they have to say. Reassure your own children that you will always be there for them.
Perhaps one of the biggest concerns your own child has is if they will lose you as a parent to the new sibling and foster child in your home.
Without a doubt, it can be very time consuming job on your behalf, as you care for children who are demanding of both your time and emotions. We have seen earlier, throughout this book, how foster parenting is full time work. Thus, it is vital that you do not let your own children slip through the cracks, and not get the necessary and important time, love, and affection from you. You will want to plan on setting aside some special time for just you and your own children, as they will need time alone with you during your fostering.
You can do this, of course, in a number of ways. Spend some one on one time alone with your child. Take him fishing, go see a movie with her, teach him how to fly a kite, bake cookies and get the kitchen messy with her, play basketball with him, go for a bike ride with her, take him to ice cream, go out to dinner with her. There are so many things you can do with your own child that includes just you and him, you and her. If you have more than one child, like me, try to set aside some time with each one individually. To be sure, that can be difficult, but it is so very important.
What Your Children Need To Hear
During my twenty years as a parent, I have had the pleasure of being a parent to over 50 children. Yes, 50 plus children; biological, adoptive, foster care, and homeless youth. Children from all walks of life, backgrounds, cultures, and appearances have come to live with me, and become a part of my family. During this time, I have discovered that there are some things, some words that every child needs to hear from their parents, whether they are your own biological children, or children from foster care living with you as part of your family.
As Yehuda Berg once said, “Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”
Words DO have power. Words can heal, and they can hurt. Words can encourage, and they can destroy.
The power we have when we speak is indeed significant, and can be life changing, mountain moving. Words of affirmation, of trust, and of compassion are building blocks in the life of a child. Words of patience, of kindness, and of love are essential to the well-being, mental health, and emotional stability of each child.
As a parent, I understand that what I say to my children is detrimental to their development. Now, there are five things every child needs to hear from their parents. Let’s look at these.
1) I love you
Sadly, I have found over the years as a foster parent that so many children have never heard these three important words. Yet, these three words are the most important words that they need to hear. Indeed, one can never say “I love you,” to a child enough times. They need to and deserve to hear it several times a day.
“I love you,” reminds children that they are valuable, that they matter, and that someone truly cares for them. How often are you telling your own children this? I hope it is at least once a day. If they aren’t hearing it from you, they will seek it from someone else.
2) I’m proud of you
Children need a cheerleader. They need to know that someone believes in them. They need to know that what they do matters. When you tell a child that you are proud of him, it only encourages them to work even harder. Celebrate each little success a child has, no matter how small it might be. T
3) I’m sorry
I am in no way a perfect parent. Despite parenting over 50 children, I am no expert, and have made countless mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes, because, quite frankly, I am human. When I make a mistake and when I disappoint or hurt a child in some way, it is important for me to say that “I’m sorry.”
Pride should never get in the way of this. You should never be too proud to ask a child for forgiveness. Not only are we letting children know that we have accepted our own poor choices and mistakes, we are teaching children that it is important to take ownership of our mistakes.
4) I forgive you
Children are bound to make mistakes, just like you and I are. Forgiveness is a powerful gift that we can give each other, and one we certainly need to give to our children. Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated. If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well.
Without forgiveness, there is no love. When a child makes a mistake, or makes a poor choice, they need to hear that they are forgiven. They need to hear from their parents that no matter what, you forgive them, and you love them.
5) I am thankful for you
As a parent, I understand that what I say to my children is detrimental to their development. Each day, I try to find something positive to say to each child, and to thank each child for something they did throughout the day.
Whether it is praising a child for unloading the dish washer, or how their hair looked, I understand that my children crave a kind word from me. As a former high school teacher, I tried to find some way to complement each student on a regular basis, never speaking harshly or negatively, and showing kindness in my deeds and my words.
In both worlds, as a parent and as a teacher, the words “please” and “thank you” were a large part of my vocabulary, and I tried to not only use them throughout each day, but model them as examples for their own way of speech. I do the same with each child that lives in my home. “Thank you” reminds the child that what they are doing is recognized, is appreciated, and does matter. Like “I love you,” a parent needs to find something to thank their child for each day.
Excerpt from The Foster Care Survival Guide: The Essential Guide for Today’s Foster Parents-Atlantic Publishers, 2018
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski