You Have to Love Yourself

Hi Dr. Cruz,  I’m in a relationship with someone I love deeply and I want to create a life with him but the way he treats me makes me feel lonely and disconnected from him. We’re always fighting and I end up looking like the crazy one because I start yelling and screaming because every man in my life has left me or let me down at some point which showed me the words “I love you” can’t be trusted. I want to stay and work this out but I’m tired of feeling disrespected, like I’m the problem when all I want to do is love him. Signed Q

Hi Q – Your experience is an all too common one in many peoples lives, even my own many years ago. What I believe to be the fundamental issue is each of your identities and whether or not ya’ll have created any relationship guidelines that can prevent these types of problems. 

The foundation of every relationship is “Who am I and what standards do I have for my life”. You see, everything starts with identity. We must ask ourselves what is my identity with myself, with my father, my mother, my childhood, and most importantly with God? Ultimately, what we’re talking about here is a very basic elemental question of “who am I” and how have these relationships influenced the development of my identity. 

A very clear indicator that we do not know the answers to these questions is when we are not in touch with our inner voice. Relationships can become very complicated when we don’t start off with a personally defined understanding of who we are and how our upbringing has colored our understanding of love. 

To shine greater light on the subject of love and identity, I’m going to take a look at a few key points in your letter that standout to me. Let’s look at each of these together so you can begin to clarify how to proceed. 

1. I’m in a relationship with someone I love deeply and want to create a life with.
2. Their behaviors make me feel lonely and disconnected from them.
3. We’re always fighting.
4. I end up looking like the crazy one because I scream and yell.
5. Every man in my life has left me and let me down at some point showing me their words “I love you” can’t be trusted.
6. I’m tired of feeling disrespected.
7. All I want to do is love him.

Q, each one of these statements warrant a deeper psychological inquiry and I will share my perspective of why you’re probably feeling such confusion, emotional depletion, and are allowing your self-image to be compromised.

Remember, in life the problem will keep showing up until we learn the lesson, so allow your goal to be to gain insight into the lesson as quickly as possible so the problem can go away. So, what do you think the lesson is that your relationship is trying to reveal? Here is where we will look a little deeper. My belief is that most relationships experience these kinds of struggles for a couple of fundamental reasons and if you can understand them, then you’ll have a better chance at experiencing a healthier relationship.

First is the consideration that neuroscience literature (a) informs us that our brains are not fully rational thinking brains until at least the age of 25, if not older, and even then we have to consider whether or not each person has even learned how to think smartly. Then there’s the consideration of whether or not girls mature faster than guys, and the fact that the male and female brains are wired to operate quite differently. We also must consider how nature vs nurture have influenced your individual lives, meaning how has each of your families, your upbringings, and your environments influenced your level of self-esteem, relationship knowledge, and emotional maturity. We also need to consider each of your individual primary drivers (love, acceptance, safety, independence, etc) and whether or not you both have the same basic premise of the purpose for being in a relationship. So you see, “relationships” and “identity” can be quite in-depth topics to fully understand. 

Most people are replicating, to a great degree, the relationships they’ve witnessed in their homes and often times it wasn’t a very good example. For those who grew up in single parent homes or in foster care, there may not have been any relationship examples to learn from. So understanding all of this, you have embarked on the most difficult journey known to mankind: how to create a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. These are two very distinct genders of an extremely complex species, but don’t fret, I’m here to help 

To your first point of deeply loving your boyfriend, I’d like to point out that most of the time people don’t have an accurate understanding of what love actually means. What they’re feeling is often either codependency or a fear of abandonment  because of how their upbringing has impacted their self-image and esteem. Other times they’ve invested so much in a person or relationship that they’ve lost sight of  who they actually are. They’ve become enmeshed, not understanding where they end and the other person begins. 

Love is actually a selfless act that holds the best interest of another person at heart, but before we can do that, we must hold our own best interest at heart first. So you must ask yourself if what you’re feeling is actually love?

Secondly, if you’re in a relationship with someone whose behaviors are making you feel lonely, disconnected, insecure, or even crazy, then that’s an indicator that you have disregarded at least one red flag. Red flags are warning signs of impending trouble, so in your case, you must ask yourself what are your personal and relationship standards. Once you’re clear on them, then ask yourself if you’ve over looked any red flags that have allowed your standards to become compromised.

Most of us get into romantic relationships without having any wisdom or skill to navigate them, and often times without the full armor of God to protect and guide us. We’re often trying to fill an inner void of emptiness by bringing someone else into our lives to fill it when in reality that inner void can only be filled by a deeper spiritual love from within. So when you feel lonely and disconnected, know that that’s a sign to create a deeper spiritual relationship with your creator so you can gain certainty of who you are and what you actually deserve. Proverbs 3:6 states, “in everything you do, put God first and he will direct and crown your efforts with success”.

It is true that most people, if not all, fight in their relationships at some point, but the wiser ones eventually decide not to fight at all, and will change the term “fighting” to something less volitile like “disagreeing” due to the influence of language on the psyche. These people create healthier boundaries for their relationship. To better understand why and how you are “disagreeing” in your relationship, you must take a deeper look at your “relationship guidelines”. Most people don’t realize they need relationship guidelines, and a mission statement. How can two people work together to create a loving, supportive relationship that’s moving congruently in a productive direction if they don’t have a mission statement and guidelines? The short answer is they can’t.

So, what are the guidelines for your relationship? Examples of healthy guidelines could be: “We will respect one another. We will not yell, scream, or throw things. One person will talk and the other will “listen to understand before being understood”. These are just a few healthy guidelines that will set you on a right path. Think of your relationship guidelines as a blueprint. No one would randomly throw a house together without a blueprint to follow, so surely we should not just assume our relationships will be built properly without its own blueprint. Remember, you’re both children of the most high God: Royalty; and there are certain behaviors you must not partake in. So, set those guidelines together and respect their purpose.

If you feel like you always end up looking crazy because you’re screaming and yelling, I urge you to have a set of standards that guide your behaviors in order to maintain self-control. My secret is that I always ask myself, “Would God be pleased with me right now”? If the answer is no, then I know I need to self-correct. 

You mentioned that every man in your life has left you and let you down. This represents a deep emotional wound you’re carrying in your heart that needs to be healed before you will ever have a healthy relationship. I highly recommend you seek out a trauma therapist to process those emotions and reframe your understanding of why they left or let you down so that you don’t carry that energy anymore. A healthy relationship requires two healthy people to come together or else the residue of inner pain will leak into your relationship causing eventual destruction. 

Lastly, you mentioned you’re tired of being disrespected and all you want to do is love him. When you create your fundamental relationship guidelines then you will have a foundation from which respect and love can be built. Focus on healing the pain caused by how men in your past have treated you and the meaning you attributed to those experiences, then you will naturally maneuver in a manner where respect and love can be cultivated.