You’ve Got Questions

For this month’s column, I thought I would open it up to questions friends and family have asked.

Question #1: What percentage of foster parents adopt their children if they can?‬‬‬

All of them—just kidding. So many foster parent acquaintances have made the adoption plunge. Foster care is like the rhythm method. It can lead to having children. You fall in love with the kids, and you do not want them to leave. Here is a statistic: 408,425 children are in foster care in the United States, and 52,891 are adopted. That’s over one out of ten. Remember, foster families often adopt more than once. Over 100,000 foster children are waiting to be adopted, and 30,000 of these kids reach maturity without becoming part of a permanent family.

I used to think I knew it all. When my wife, Mary, and I were going through our training we had to take adoptive parenting lessons, as well as foster parenting classes. I stated that we did not need adoption training, because we did not plan to adopt. The social workers shook their heads, gave each other knowing glances and said their hands were tied, and that we might learn something from the adoption training. We took in our daughter, as a foster baby when she was a day old, adopted her when she was two and a half, and now she is ten. I am now officially admitting I do not know everything. My older sister is laughing and my wife is smug. Shame on them!

It gets better. Along the way we tried to adopt two other babies that were in our care. This can be heartbreaking and is not for the squeamish. It’s rough when any foster child leaves your house, in spite of the problems: premature birth, HIV, thrush, inability to eat normally, crying (far beyond the norm), screaming (far beyond the norm) and taking over your life. They also take over your heart.

If you are entering foster care in order to adopt, you may be in for a life changing moment, and I wish you well. You may also see your hopes dashed when a relative comes out of the family woodwork and gets preferential treatment under the law. Watching a baby reach for you as they are taken away is a grim, beyond-somber experience. Adoption day, however, is a wonderful experience akin to a miracle.

Question #2: What are Mongolian spots? I knew a foster family with a baby that had these spots, and they thought the child had been beaten.

That was my reaction when I first saw them. The technical name for Mongolian spots is Congenital Dermal Melanocytosis,

Have you ever heard them term “beat you black and blue?” It sounds just like Mongolian spots. These are black/blue/dark gray lesions that cover a baby like bruises, usually on the head but often on the back, neck or shoulders. Pigment that would normally color the epidermis, more or less evenly, sometimes gets sploshed around on the skin in nature’s haphazard fashion. They usually go away after a month. It’s frightening to see them even when you know what they are. They are more prevalent among certain ethnic groups, including Asians, Native Americans blacks and Latinos.

Question #3: What are the qualifications you must meet in order to foster? I've always been interested in the future in trying it out‬‬‬.

Contact the county where you live for specifics. I can give you some generalities.

I live in California. First they “Livescan” you, making an extensive check of your background to make sure you and people in your family don’t have certain types of felonies: child molestation, a history of violence, etc. Certain types of crimes might not disqualify you. Possession of a small amount of cannabis might be okay. A kilo of heroin, on the other hand…

Second, you have to be financially solvent. They check out your home or apartment to make sure it is fit for human habitation. There is a certain amount of subjectivity involved in this. The first time our home was inspected, the social worker (a newbie) was surprised that we did not have a box springs on our bed. I didn’t like the noise it made when we… Never mind. We explained that that was our choice, not a dire financial move of desperation. She approved our house.

I know of another case where a social worker had a bad feeling about a grandmother and denied the house because of a crack in the wall. The social worker’s gut feeling turned out to be right. It was later proven that a convicted child molester was living in the house.

Somebody has to be home with the child. A single mom with a job or two parents who both work the same hours would not qualify. If one parent works during the day, and the other has graveyard shift, then that would be smooth sailing. These rules may not apply where you live.

In our county a foster family can have only two infants at a time, however they can have up to six older kids. This can lead to “warehousing,” or keeping the kids as a business. I have some strong opinions about this, but I’m aware how desperate counties can be to get people to take the older kids.

Question #4: What type of things you have to have in your house?

First aid kids and fire extinguishers are required. You must keep every stitch of clothing the kid came with even if it’s torn in half and stinks. I’d personally recommend a few other items: Clothes—all shapes and sizes and gender. You never know who will arrive and if they have nothing. I’d keep assorted stuffed animals for the younger kids and some baby cereal. For some of the slow to warm babies who gag on their formula, adding a little baby cereal to their formula can make the medicine go down. Keep in mind that lactose intolerance is a major problem for some kids, so have some soy formula and soymilk on hand.

Don’t forget lockboxes and safes. You have to lock up or give up medicines, firearms and solvents. Don’t plan on stowing them away in the trunk of the car and pulling them out when the inspector leaves.

Question #5: Is becoming and being a foster parent expensive? We've heard of people who treat it like a business, but if you just want to do your best for one child at a time, and do it right, will it result in a financial hardship for the family? ‬‬

It doesn’t have to be. Dental and medical are paid. You get a monthly stipend and a clothing allowance. This is sufficient if you don’t get baby clothes fever. Baby clothes fever means you go gaga as you walk past the children’s section and lose your ability to reason as you become wide-eyed in astonishment looking at the cute baby clothes.

Our biggest expense was legal fees, something you may never encounter as a foster parent. We know fost-adopt parents who never paid a dime in lawyer fees. We weren’t so lucky. Knowing a child might go back to a horribly abusive situation can be a powerful incentive to shell out some cash. We spent $11,750. One of the attorneys was worthless; certainly not worth the $1,750 we paid him. The other one was highly competent and cleaned up the other lawyer’s mess. The $10,000 we paid him for multiple cases was the best money we ever spent. We adopted one child and close relatives adopted two others.