What does it mean to be a mom? For some people their mother is the woman who gives birth to them. For others their mom is the person who raised them. I know people who have several moms over the course of their lifetime. The term “Mom” can mean a foster mom, an adoptive mom, or even an aunt or grandmother who pulls double duty as a mother. I always tell my kids they’re lucky because multiple moms means multiple people who love them. How’s that for perspective?
As a fost adopt mom of a large transracial family, I get a lot of questions from strangers, but the most common one is, “Did you plan to have such a big family?” I’m quick to respond with my prepared answer, “No, but I did plan to help kids who needed a family and as you can see there are a lot of kids who do.” A little snarky, yes, but I like to use these encounters as a way to educate people about the needs of foster children. Who knows, I may get lucky and recruit some new foster parents.
Mother’s Day is always bittersweet for me because I’ve discovered over the years that I’m not like most moms. At a young age I knew that I wanted to dedicate my life to helping children who needed a family. At nineteen years old when I married my husband Ryun we made the decision to become foster parents instead of having biological children. Since that choice we have adopted six children of different races and ages including two sets of siblings. That’s a lot of Mother’s Day cards people!
For most moms Mother's Day is a day where they are praised for their love and sacrifice. But Mother’s Day can be a little tricky for foster and adoptive moms. Your kids are balancing a lot of emotions on this day because you are not the only mother in their life. Consequently I've learned to make my Mother's Day about me. Both as a mom but also as a person who wants to celebrate the other parts of who she is.
In a sense it can almost be called “Children’s Day”. And I respect that. My kids all want to be acknowledged and to feel comforted that I love their gift or am excited for their cards to me. And I enjoy it. I honor my children's feelings and, if they want to talk about it, we discuss their birth mothers. I open all of my handmade sticky glue cards - made with two parts love and twelve parts glitter. I squeal with delight at my assortment of fashionable hand painted macaroni necklaces, modeling, posing, laughing, and giving gratitude for their hard work. But then... I flip the switch and hightail it out of there. I go spend the day on myself for some fun and pampering while my husband pulls Daddy duty.
Each year on Mother’s Day I make sure to praise myself for a job well done. Raising my kids isn’t always easy because there are a lot of rough & rocky times while working through their past trauma. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn't choose the job of being their mom because I thought it would be painless and full of compliments. But that’s precisely why Mother’s Day is not about my children's milestones of the past year but instead my milestones as a mother.
I encourage foster and adoptive mothers to reflect on their mothering milestones. Did you work on being more patient this year? Maybe you worked on one of your children's specific issues and you found creative ways to parent them. I guarantee as a foster mother you are mastering the art of expanding your parenting abilities. So this year be your own fairy godmother and take the day to praise and reward yourself. Because let’s face it, come midnight it’s back to 364 days of “Children’s Day.”
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski