Q: What situations make foster care superior to biological care? When do foster children prefer to remain in foster care?
A.Newly minted foster parents are often amazed at the amount of food their foster child eats – “he eats non-stop, even at night, he is always
hungry, and I feed him!” say foster parents of their new foster children. To them, I explain that these children have not eaten for a while, do not
know when or where their next meal is coming from and have survived on Ramen Noodles and chicken nuggets. They eat so much because they
want to make sure that they are full in case no more food is on the way, and, to fulfill feelings of emptiness in their hearts and minds. Many
neglected children enter foster care and gain healthy weight within the first weeks of their stay. They are accused of stealing food from the pantry,
hoarding food under their beds, and telling healthcare providers such as myself that they have not eaten all day and are hungry, even when they
had just eaten in the waiting room. It does not mean they are lying – it just means that they have developed a coping mechanism to deal with
starvation.
Children who are abandoned for days at a time, have to fend for themselves, are left alone to care for their younger siblings prefer to be in foster
care. These children do not want to go back home to hungry tummies and are glad to be in foster care.
Rules and structure can be alarming and frightening at first, but the absence of being beaten and bruised, lying at school about being whooped,
and hiding scars with long sleeves far outweighs the annoyances of these new rules. Gradually, as children realize that they are safe even when
they make mistakes, can be honest and not be beaten with extension cords, and realize that parents are actually predictable, non-violent, and kind
– these calming and predictable experiences lull the foster child into a sense of safety _ this feeling is new and uneasy at first but with time, the
bedwetting, nightmares and night terrors disappear. As one foster child said, “"I don't feel like an outsider no more, she is funny and makes me
feel happy, I can tell her anything and she don't get mad."
These children do not want to go back to the domestic violence, screaming, yelling, bloody arms and faces, and hiding in their rooms in fear.
They are deeply divided between the loyalty to their abusive homes, and comfort and safety of their foster home. When their parents seem to
comply and it is time to return, their anxiety shoots up and they begin to act out with crying spells, hypersensitivity, and inattentiveness, fighting,
arguing, hitting, not sleeping, and bedwetting behaviors. Foster parents become exhausted, alarmed, and angry because they feel helpless and
frustrated. Medication doses increase and the child is in a state of numbing inertia. Return home is good at first until the first drink and relapse
and recurrence of the well-remembered abuse. Nostalgia for the safety of the foster mother’s arms and security of bedtime is intense. One child
who was returned home recalled these memories and said, “I miss my foster mom, she cooked good food and took care of me. She helped me
with my homework. She was fun and she listened to me. It was so quiet at night.” He sounded nostalgic. He wanted to go back to his foster
mother and was rebellious and angry at his parents.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski