Even though it has more than four letters, I would argue that ‘retribution’ is a dirty word. Merriam-Webster defines the word as: punishment for doing something wrong. And it DOES make us wait—it makes us wait until the fear of it has passed before we can take action.
Activism is NOT a dirty word. It is a little off-putting to some people, visions of being arrested bounce through their head and a pang of fear rushes though them that they’ll be labeled an “extremist.” I suppose there is some evidence that these thoughts and feelings could be justified. But I am an activist, have been almost as long as I can remember and I have NEVER been arrested. I have NO criminal record. But I DO take action!
It probably started when I was a young child and I would discover what I thought was a stray cat or dog. I would feed them and give them water, naturally, I would beg mom and dad to let me keep her… but I was doing something, I was helping, I was trying to create good. Lot’s of people have stories like this, it’s no surprise that most people try to create good at least some of the time. So, I guess it’s more a matter of to what degree a person is willing or able to create it.
I started out as an animal and environmental activist, then I dabbled in human rights and world peace activism. These days, most of my activism falls under the categories of mental health and foster-adoptive child and family activism.
Not so long ago I was working on a project to try to involve local television news stations in a joint-state, in-depth news report, and, on a separate occasion, I created a petition to try to educate and enlighten policy-makers on the federal level about what it’s like to adopt a severely traumatized child and not get any, or, only very little assistance when you’re in over your head.
I personally know dozens of foster-adoptive parents from the U.S. and even in the U.K. There are thousands more on The Internet who are at their wits end and pulling their hair out, trying to get access to services for their special needs children. Many of us DO NOT share our stories about the hell our lives have become since adopting foster children or internationally. We have too many well meaning “friends” telling us how, “Oh, ALL kids do stuff like that.” So, we keep our stories to ourselves, or to each other, we tend to not share them publicly. But we all “get” it. We all understand each other because we’ve all been through the same horror stories. Death threats, dead pets, houses torn apart, resulting divorces and so much more.
Let me just say that SOME foster adopted and internationally adopted children ARE more resilient than others and not ALL of them have severe behavior issues stemming from developmental trauma. But, a fair number of them do, to varying degrees.
I used to believe that the federal government needed to do more. Over time however, I have come to the realization that the problem lies MORE in our states than it does with the feds. Some states support foster-adoptive families better than others, but so far I have NOT found one that really stands apart from the rest. Not one state have I discovered that can be held up as an example to the others of how to get it right. They are ALL struggling with providing government mandated services to special needs children and supporting the families who lovingly volunteer to take them under their wings.
Some parents, like myself, have suffered tremendous stress from a combination of living with traumatized children, and from trying desperately to get the help we were promised from our states. I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with PTSD. Some of us no longer have anything to lose or anything left they can take away from us. Others are still “in the system” working with social workers to try get services for their children who may or may not be adopted. Or, in court defending themselves against FALSE accusations made against them by their own foster or adopted children! This false accusations problem is a common one! I was investigated three times by my state’s child welfare agency for things I allegedly did to my daughter that she completely fabricated. Fortunately for me, I was found innocent of all accusations. Not all of us are so lucky. Some foster and foster-adoptive and internationally adoptive parents have actually been incarcerated over false accusations made against them by their own children.
Those of us who still have something to lose, like our beloved children, for example, are not as out spoken as I am. They can’t be! They fear retribution—and so they’re waiting for the “coast to be clear” before they say or do anything that their local child welfare agency could try to use against them.
Curious as to why I referred to our children as “beloved”? Even though some of these foster or adopted children are so damaged that they are actually unable to create a healthy, secure attachment to, or relationship with, any single other individual; that doesn’t stop parents from bonding with those children—EVEN when they make false accusations against us.
Why?
Because we know it’s not the child’s fault. It’s what the child has been through prior to being placed with us, it’s their history that causes the huge array of mental, emotional, behavioral and social issues they have. And so, we LOVE them! We really do love them, and we desperately want them to heal and be functional members of society!
Why then, do some foster, foster-adoptive and internationally adoptive parent fear retribution? Why will some of these parents decline to sign a petition, or are they unwilling to be interviewed for the TV news? Because, our states child welfare agencies are scaring the hell out of them.
Since I’m not one of those parents, I was able to ask some questions to a few parents that DO fear retribution. They live the United States and they are real people, but I cannot and will not identify them further than that.
One foster-adoptive parent friend wrote me this when I asked her for a statement, “Due to further legal issues with [my state’s child welfare agency], I cannot participate.” Even when I promised her on the graves of my grandparents that her anonymity was insured, she was still too afraid to comment in any way.
A former foster parent put it very well, “The punishment you get for trying to fight the government is the process required to fight the government.”
And in that same vein, “Protections are afforded those with the power to persuade of their own necessity. We almost lost our disturbed kinship adoptive daughter to this unjust, coercive system and the means they applied, the threats and legal actions to keep their actions hush-hush, are truly offensive, harmful and kept under wraps through gag orders and alike.”
While doing research for this article I asked the following question to a group of foster and adoptive parents: “IF you agree that YOU personally fear retribution of your state's child welfare agency against you or your family if you were to speak out publicly for system-wide reform, PLEASE type the word AGREE below. If you don't agree, please type DISAGREE.”
Bet you can’t guess what I got? AGREE, after agree after agree. Pretty much the only people who disagreed were the ones who adopted internationally and never used any U.S. government agency in their process.
One foster parent trainer for a state’s child welfare agency shared that once when she tried to point out some “issues,” she was immediately told (after working for them for three years!) that she, “needed a break,” was relieved of her duties and her phone calls were not returned. It wasn’t until they had a big influx of children needing to be placed in foster care that they finally were desperate enough to swallow their pride and let her come back and teach again. But she admits that, “It still hurts that they were so childish and immature.”
Yet another foster-adoptive parent shared these shocking details; one of her children, when prescribed medication by a doctor, “Was told he did not have to take the medication by the school counselor, the police, and by CPS which made the child even more out of control.” Again the police made matters worse by telling the same child “that if they didn't want to live with us they didn't have to.” Problems for adoptive families are systemic, it’s not just the child welfare agencies that need reform, judges, law enforcement, schools and others contribute to the massive array of seemingly never-ending problems. “Adoptive families seem to have no credibility in court. Anything the child welfare agency says is considered to be complete and total truth. Nothing the parents say seems to matter. A child can accuse their parents of just about anything and without any evidence, the parents are considered guilty until PROVEN innocent. If there is no way to PROVE innocence then you are completely in the hands of the authorities and at their mercy.”
Guess what folks, it is a widely understood fact that children who suffered severe trauma (neglect, abuse, violence in the home, abandonment) tend to be tall, tale tellers. They make stuff up. Again, NOT blaming the children, they can’t help it! Fabricating false allegations is a natural side effect of what they’ve been through, this is scientifically proven.
These children have been through enough. The parents and the biological children of the parents who take these children in have been through way more than they ever could have guessed.
Isn’t the struggle of foster and adoptive families to get promised services a big enough mountain to traverse without also scaring the living hell out of them?
The number of families who, right at this very moment, wouldn’t even consider talking to me for this article boggles the mind. They are all patiently waiting until they no longer have to fear retribution—for their sake I hope that day comes sooner than later.
Our state child welfare agencies have done a VERY effective job of silencing us! For the sake of our society, I hope one day none of us will have to fear retribution by government agencies just for loving and caring for previously unloved children!
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski