Dear Mom,
Spending a mother’s day without you while I was in foster care became natural after a couple years as a teenager. This all changed once I became a young
adult and we connected after I aged out of foster care. Why? Because you would always mail a letter around mother’s day, reminding me how much you love
me. After receiving your letters in the mail for a period of time, the letters came to a halt and all I could think about was “it must be dad again, realizing we are
getting too close”. Two years passed me by and I find out you wanted to leave dad. I began to wonder, “could this be, finally my prayers are being answered?”
Little did I know, this was an introduction of us re-starting a dialog that would lead you to ask me for forgiveness! I remember this followed by a letter reading:
“Nicole, I can not forgive myself for the pain I put you through. Please know that I have always loved you and this will never change. Sometimes I wonder the
pain I put you through would make you just hate me. Not a day goes by I don’t regret you being taking away and I had to miss those special moments in your
life. Please forgive me and know that you are always on my mind”.
Some time fast-forwarded before I honestly believed you. What changed? When I began to know you were really reaching out to me for me to help you escape
from your darkness and pain; and the letters picked back up again. Sometimes I even wonder what did you see in me, for you to reach out to me? As a couple
weeks passed by, I then wondered, do you see strength in me that is blind to me?
Before I knew it, May 2013 was around the corner and it was time for the silence again, after God blessed us with an opportunity to see each other at a revival.
What a blessing this was; because I didn’t see you since the age of 18! There was even a moment I wish I could pause the moment and frame it in a picture
because apart of me feared a time would lapse before I saw you again. However at the moment it didn’t matter because I got to see you and you even smiled at
me. After that special moment, again, the letters paused and my mind began to race “I wonder if my mom is safe? Because I remember how my father didn’t
want you to talk with me”.
Little did I know, the pause was a result of your unannounced passing! Making this time around a Mothers Day that leaves a piece of my heart missing. But
then I begin to think, though you may not be on this earth any more, and left before we could actually establish a true mother and daughter relationship; at least
you’re free from the abuse my father put you through.
Many say, when a person experiences lost and grief of a love one, generally their “firsts” without that person can be hard. A part of me believes there is some
truth about this statement. As mothers day is here, I begin to feel my heart feeling heavy. Then when I start to reflect back on your words of “remember I
always love you; please forgive me; and I’m sorry I couldn’t share those special moments in your life”, I begin to focus on what is the meaning of Mothers
Day to me now?
This Mothers Day is special because you provided a love that many mothers never get to share with their children. It took your passing for me to understand a
Mothers love comes in all shapes and sizes. Your love came through prayer and sacrificing your life for the sake of my freedom from abuse. Though you
couldn’t protect me and ensure my father couldn’t abuse me again, you covered me through prayer. Many don't understand protection can come in different
shapes and sizes too. Your love was channeled from your heart to heaven. And heaven then poured love into my heart with the understanding you once was a
victim of abuse as a child too. It took your passing for me to realize we shared one thing in common - we were both victims of abuse. The difference is I was
given the ability to escape without the cost of a slow death my father put you through. You may haven’t been able to walk into the shoes of a “picture perfect”
mom but without a doubt, you knew I would be used to advocate for other hurting children, youth and families somehow. Sometimes I wonder how you
knew. Then again, a mother always knows right?
As the days pass me by, I could only wish you would have been able to escape from your abusive marriage, as I was able to. Then I realize, not everyone’s
way of escape the same. Some ways of escape come from being able to physically leave from their abuser but others escape through death. I remember those
days, weeks, months and years that past by, when I prayed for you to be able to escape because all I wanted is to see you safe. My prayers were answered, to
many would say how? You were set free by leaving this earth so you would have no more pain from abuse or being separated from your daughter. Took me a
couple of months to accept this method of escape used for your life mom. But I once heard someone says, “God always knows what is best”. I don’t have to
worry about you hurting or wonder what my father is doing to you. Now I can know, you are free as a bird, like the birds you always sat on the porch to
watch after my father beat you. Now I wonder if you would watch them to only wish, once day “just maybe I can be free as a bird too”!
Your passing away only heightened my passion to help others affected by the hands of abuse. Through your passing, I have chosen to use my pain of loosing
you, and channel it into showing love to the foster children who enter my home; providing support to the young ladies seeking services to escape their abuser
and provide counseling to those broken families desiring to heal and mend their relationships. It amazes me, how you knew I was strong and could help others
break the cycle, way before I did. I will continue to strive and keep your wish “please don't let my suffering and life to have been in vein. I need you to keep
helping others break the silence. Because as you do, you are freeing me from my bondage”. I could wish you back on earth, but I dare not do such a thing.
Instead, I will continue to help others break the cycle, knowing you are with me along this journey.
I love you mom,
Nicole
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski