Dear Foster Parent,
I know I’m a lot of work for you. I know I disappoint you over and over. I’m honestly trying to do better but I feel helpless sometimes and hopeless most of the time, I just don’t think I’m ever going to change. There’s nothing I can do about it.
No matter where I am, I expect something to go wrong and I’m just waiting for it to happen. Even when something really good happens, I’m waiting for something bad to happen because I know it will. It always does.
Being ready all the time is exhausting, so I sometimes have a hard time doing even simple school assignments because it is just too much to even try. And if it’s something hard like algebra or chemistry, it just takes too much for me to try to sort it out. I’ll stick to adding or subtracting, simple things that never change. Even though there’s a lot of moving parts to my life, I am trying to believe that I can handle it. But it’s exhausting!!
When I come home from school, I know you want to talk to me to show your real interest; but when I come through the door after a day of trying to understand things I can’t, not having the right clothes, getting made fun of by the cool kids, and everything else I go through, I wish I had a sign on my forehead that says DON’T TALK TO ME. Seriously, I used up all my words and now I’m finally back to a place where I can hide away from everything and everyone and disengage.
That’s why I love video games – it’s an escape. You think when you take away the computer, it keeps me engaged, but it doesn’t. I can escape in my own mind. That was a skill I learned before I ever got here that helped me survive. You can take everything away from me, and I’ll just go farther and farther away in my mind.
I know you’re trying to be a good foster parent, and it’s not your fault that I always feel like everyone is against me, trying to control me, and just trying to check all the boxes.
I’m really sorry. It’s my fault that you have to deal with me and my stuff every day. Sometimes I’m afraid you might just get tired of it all and kick me out. Maybe you should! Others have before. That’s why I don’t get close to you. I don’t get close to people because it hurts too much when they throw me out. It doesn’t matter why—it still hurts. So it’s way easier if I don’t care too much about you and don’t let you get too close to me.
The system is broken anyway, what good does it do? I wish I could be a little bit grateful, but feeling anything hurts, so I don’t want to risk getting hurt anymore. The only thing that helps is playing video games cuz it gets my adrenaline going and keeps me from thinking about my sad reality.
Besides, no matter how much you do, I know it’s all on me. I have to do this. That’s the problem, I’m back at the beginning of this letter. It’s hopeless. My life will never change. I’ll never change. So, at least I can make things better for you by leaving.
I’m really sorry.
Me
This is not a real letter, but it is a composite of several conversations with adolescents who have experienced being removed from unhealthy and dangerous homes where they experienced trauma. If you are involved in foster care, you’ve probably heard everything in this note at one time or another. Or if you’re a foster alum, you said these kinds of things yourself. Regardless of which side of foster care you’ve been on, you may have felt some of the same feelings of helplessness, exhaustion, guilt, avoidance, and anger.
Harmony Dust Grillo created a list of the 16 most common trauma exposure responses that she based on a Self Care model for Social Worker and Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot. I suspect that teens in foster care who are trying to take care of themselves experience the same responses to their own efforts to fend for themselves.
Here’s the list. After you read it, go back and re-read the note again.
Highlight the trauma exposure responses you see. Then take a few minutes to consider how you can adjust your personal expectations for yourself and for the young people within your influence.
- Feeling helpless and hopeless
- A sense that you can never do enough
- Hyper-vigilance
- Diminished creativity
- Inability to embrace complexity
- Minimizing
- Chronic exhaustion/physical ailments
- Inability to listen/deliberate avoidance
- Dissociative moments
- Sense of persecution
- Guilt
- Fear. Fear for yourself, for your safety, for your well-being.
- Anger and cynicism
- Inability to empathize/numbing
- Addictions
- Grandiosity
You can read Harmony’s Blog here: http://iamatreasure.com/how-trauma-affects-us/
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski