This piece was written in observation of National Foster Care Month to honor my little sister and many other young people who left this world way too soon due to suicide. As an alumnus of the foster care system I understand the importance of giving voice to issues that often go silenced. This open letter is dedicated to my little sister in honor of her strength and courage despite the struggles she faced here on earth. I would also like to bring awareness to the stigma that suicide can leave on individuals, families, and communities.
Ebony was my little sister, my first best friend, and keeper of all my secrets. When things were difficult, I knew that I could turn to her because she often knew what to say. We were invincible together and called each other “my sister’s keeper” Ebony and I grew up together but was separated ten years later due to being placed into Foster Care. We remained close, but there was a period of strain due to the circumstances. What I will always remember about Ebony was that she loved deeply and was unwaveringly loyal to those close to her. She was someone you could count on to be there in your time of need.
Ebony was talented, unique, and lived life to the best of her ability. Her motto was, "Live life to the fullest, even when life feels difficult." Life was truly difficult as she battled to live. Ebony gained her angel wings at the age of twenty-seven on Wednesday, November 15, 2017, and my life has not been the same since.
It was 3:26am when I so happened to check my email. My heart began to pound as my eyes scrolled across an email from my mom. It was the autopsy results of my little sister, a whopping 9 months after the time of her passing. I remember writing a post on social media a few months prior saying “millions of babies have been born, but the cause of my sister’s death is still unknown”. Deep down inside, I knew what happened, but I was in denial and refused to believe that it was the truth.
You see, Ebony came into this world in pain and left the same way she came. From a very young age, Ebony struggled; she was dying to live, and living only to die. Rejection, abandonment, substance abuse, and homelessness were issues that she struggled with for so long. Ebony didn't feel loved and I wonder if her search for love was ever answered.
What amazed me about Ebony was that no matter what she was experiencing, she strived to live the best life she could; so, I am careful to say that she lived to die. What I mean by that is, she had hopes, dreams, and visions that she anxiously anticipated but the weight of substance abuse, domestic violence, mental health challenges, and complex trauma, to name a few, led her down a path that quickly turned to quicksand. She fought so hard to escape a life that was not meant for her or anyone.
Demonized, shamed, verbally, physically and emotionally attacked from all angles, I can understand why you felt you needed to rest. I just wished that you were able to rest for a period of time and get back up. Never in a million years would I think that your resting place would ever become final.
I thought I understood death, but never fully comprehended it until I lost you.
A year and half ago our family stood beside your bedside as you took your last and final breath. Even though you were tired, you fought to the very end. I knew how tired you were, but I still wanted to carry you to the finish line. We started this path together, and I envisioned that we would raise our kids together, You, our Brother, and me. We were a pact; a team and our bond was unbreakable; in fact, no one could shake us.
I remember flying in from California hoping that you would wait for me and you held on; thank you. I squeezed your hand and told you to wake up, but no response. Sis, can you hear me? Can you pull through for me? I need you.
You were always my protector. Who is going to protect me now? No one could talk bad about me except you, and rarely did you do that. You held me on a pedal stool and saw little wrong with me. I believe that you saw me as perfect. I know you strived so hard to be just like me, but the truth is, I wanted so badly to be like you. I envied the resilience you had. You could have had a really bad day but you would still take the time to see how I was doing. You often checked in with others before you checked in with yourself and sometimes that bothered me. You took such great care of other people and they did not always return that same kind of consideration. It bothered me so much that he filled your head with lies about who you weren't. Truth is, he couldn't face that you had a heart of gold. He was intimidated by your strength and tried to break you down because of his own fragility.
Sis, you were one in a million. When I came out to you, told you I was being played by someone, I cried and you quickly interjected and said: “Sis, always remember that you are the prize, you are the bomb”. You really gassed my head up and I know deep down inside, you knew how much I struggled with self- confidence but instead of making me feel bad about it, you continued to build me up.
Sis, I am devastated you're gone. Doesn't feel real or right. Who am I supposed to call now when I need sisterly advice or just want to hear your voice? We would spend hours on the phone cracking up about everything under the sun, and I will always remember that.
You tried so hard to protect my feelings so you wouldn't share anything with me because you knew how bad I worried. If I could ask you why you terminated your life knowing how worried I was for you, were you being selfish in that decision, or am I selfish for asking that question?
I'm deeply sorry I never came to see you the last time I was in town when you had surgery and you asked me to come to visit you. I wanted so badly to see you but our Brother wouldn't let me use his car because his tires were not good for the long drive. I must admit that I was also feeling anxious about where you were staying. I feared your abuser. I didn't want him to hurt me in the ways he hurt you. I never knew this would be the last time seeing you. I regret the day you called needing money and I couldn't help in the way I wanted to because I was a broke graduate student. I also didn't want you to give him the money, but I would give anything to have you back. But does bringing you back stop the pain that you dealt with on earth? I just wished you knew how much people loved you and I wish that we could have all showed up to support you in the ways you needed and wanted. I will never forget our father coming to the hospital and wiping your eyes and holding you. The truth is, that is all you ever wanted from him; to be here with you not just in death but life.
I hope you got the peace you so badly craved. I hope you are resting. I hope you are no longer in pain. I hope you are sleeping on a bed filled with infinite love. I hope you know that I will continue to fight for you so that no other young person has to experience the level of pain you did. I want every young person to know that they deserve to live a life full of joy and fulfillment.
Thank you for speaking life into me. Thank you for telling me how beautiful I am. Thank you for looking beyond my mistakes and for giving me a chance to be reconnected with you.
Thank you for being selfless and honorable. I will forever miss being on the phone and hearing you say: "Hold on sis", while you were on the other side helping someone in need. I will forever miss being by your side.
Lastly, I will forever be grateful for the times we've had together. The moments of laughter, tears, countless complaints, and the memories we've shared.
You've spoken life to me in death, darkness, and light. Thank you for the spheres of encouragement you left me with. Most importantly, this year you taught me that it's ok to protect myself and stand up for what's right. You taught me that it's ok to speak words of affirmation over myself in the ways you used to do that. Thank you for paving the way for me that you so desperately wanted to create for yourself. And for that, I will continue to live a life that not only paves the way for what you wanted but how you envisioned the world to live and be.
I love you Eb with all my heart, I am forever your keeper.
Ebony was a light to this world and even though she is not physically here with us, her light continues to sparkle. Please stay tuned, this letter will be featured as an excerpt in a forthcoming memoir.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski