I opened up a can of worms… I hate that cliché, but sometimes it fits. I had the idea that I could compress mistakes foster parents make into a single, thirteen hundred-word essay. It turned into three essays, and perhaps someone out there with more energy and patience than me could turn it into a book. (Or maybe I’ll break my leg—with my driving that is not an unrealistic expectation—and have nothing to do for weeks, and I’ll do it myself). Here is the final installment.
History…
Be careful about believing everything in a child’s files, but don’t ignore them. As a teacher, I have to check out each student’s cumulative folder, but I don’t want it to prejudice me. For example, another teacher might label a child as a discipline problem when I might see them as easily distracted. The same thing can happen with foster care. A youngster might be in the care of a family that practically runs a boot camp. These parents may report that the child is aggressive when rambunctious may be a better term. The other adults may observe one negative incident and make outrageous generalizations.
Sometimes a foster parent and child are not a good fit. This disconnect may surface in the reports that remain in a case file. There could even be a person, object of event that will trigger bad memories in a child. A foster dad or relative may resemble a predator who made a child’s life hell. The confused, traumatized youngster may act out in unexpected, extreme ways. A brother in law could show up for dinner, he could be the nicest guy in three counties, but since he has a goatee and a red jacket like a monster in the child’s past, the youngster may be triggered into a flashback of sorts and begin throwing glasses and plates.
There may be times when you are glad to read those files. The records may reveal that a child has been sexually active or sexually acting out. The child may have a history of predatory behavior toward other children. They may have severe physical problems that require extra medical equipment.
I wish I had a simple rule, so here’s a complicated one: Look at the files, but trust your own observations too.
Not Being Prepared
You must be physically ready, and more importantly, psychologically ready. I knew families that kept a compact second-hand wardrobe that accommodated all the genders and ages. If you take babies, you will need a crib, a basinet and various sized diapers, including preemie diapers. Store some formula specifically for lactose intolerant infants and keep a little baby cereal on hand in case they have trouble drinking formula without a few flakes added to thicken the consistency.
That’s the easy part. The hard part is being psychologically prepared. Are your expectations real, or are they based on observations of nice, middle-class kids who have never experienced trauma? Expect a wild ride and some eye-opening moments.
Support System
You can’t do it alone. Ally yourself with some trusted friends and relatives. Some counties have foster care support groups. We initially attended one such group because it provided training hours, but we found other benefits. Sometimes it is a relief to talk to others who share the same madness. I’m not the only one. They’ve been there too! They have some good solutions to common problems.
We had relatives who helped baby-sit when we needed a night out. (We are basically homebodies, but we needed to get away for a night or two). A kindergarten teacher friend of mine became a surrogate aunt to my adopted daughter. She came over to babysit or just to visit and take April for a walk. She even made her a quilt with her initials embroidered into the corner.
Some businesses give discounts to foster parents. Check with county CPS workers and the local foster family associations for information.
It’s wonderful to have a support team. [By the way, all of the relatives who babysat for us later did foster care. Two of them adopted kids].
Document Everything
We kept a separate notepad to take notes about each child, no matter how long they were with us. Take photos and keep your social workers informed about any new developments with the child or the biological parents. You never know when you will be required to testify or report abuse. You may need to protect the child, and you might have to guard yourself.
The Messiah Complex
We want to save the world. It’s not a bad idea, but that doesn’t make it easy.
We got into foster care to make the world a better place. Let’s make sure we don’t lose our minds or make others lose theirs in the process. If you feel that certainty that you can solve everything, then stop it right now. You can drive your family, both biological and foster, to despair that way.
You cannot control how others think and react or how well you can impart coping skills. The birth parents will break your heart on occasion, often when they were doing so well! Oh no! Not another relapse.
Know your limits. You might not be able to handle them all. Some people take only children under the age of ten. We only took in infants up to two years of age. Others stick to teens because they relate to them better. Special needs children with physical, psychological or family problems are not for everybody, and even if you can handle one special needs child, that doesn’t mean you can handle two. Your family and loved ones may have their limits as well. The foster kids in your care may have their limitations too. You may have so many good ideas and ambitions for them—nothing wrong with that! Be careful that you don’t overburden them by expecting them to improve too quickly.
One Final Note
Don’t let yourself get too run down. The overwhelm factor involved in this endeavor is incredible. The stressors can be physical as well as emotional. Steal some moments to rest, meditate, pray, do primal scream therapy or whatever works for you. You deserve a little peace of mind. You can’t do your work or be yourself without it. Foster parents often ignore signs of exhaustion and fail to ask for help when needed. You cannot give the children in your life the care that they need if you are running on empty. Put your oxygen mask on first.
A shout out to those giving me advice on this particular column: Liz Hunter, (https://twitter.com/lizzysnoise), Ashley Rhodes-Courter (http://rhodes-courter.com), Rhonda Sciortino, (https://www.rhondasciortino.com). Check out her videos about communication with foster kids: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6MYCsFQzDCmw-GCi-z6m1AX51e-03pfu), Irene Clements (www.nfpaonline.org) and Trisha Kay Surbrug Adams.
And others, lurking in the background, who do not wish to be mentioned. (All hail, the lurkers)!
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski