I was living in denial… Too many personal narratives start out this way. This is not one of them. Last month I started writing an essay, “Mistakes (That Even Well-Intentioned) Foster Parents Make,” and I was deluded into thinking I could pack it all into one 1,300 word article. I was mistaken. Here is installment number two.
Inclusiveness
Foster parents often struggle with this one. How can a child be fully a member of your family, while participating in a reunification program that includes visits and counseling? Do you go to church and family gatherings only to be greeted with, “Here come the foster kids?” Do teachers and other professionals treat your child differently or label them in negative ways?
We must take the lead on this issue. Foster parents need to regard all children in their care: biological, foster and adoptive, as members of their family. This means treating children the same as your own family members and letting outsiders know (gently, after all this is new for them) that you regard all of these children as family members. My upcoming book, Jenna, a children’s novel, contains this line, “…she’s my sister as long as she’s here.” As Ashley Rhodes-Courter said, “Just because we have put their experience of living with their birth parents on hold, doesn’t mean we can hit a pause button on their childhood.”
One more warning, some foster parents have a difficult time with attachment because of fear of detachment. They may fear to love and become too emotionally involved, since they know that soon the child may disappear from their lives. Separation is a devastating process for all involved: birth parents, foster parents and children. Try your best to overcome feelings of detachment. I will not try and tell you that separation is easy, far from it. But it does help (a little) knowing you did everything you could for a child that was part of your household.
Fear
Speaking of fear, we all have it. It will cloud our judgment at one time or another. If we are prepared we can minimize its effects. Irene Clements of The National Foster Parent Association warned me that nobody wants to look like they don’t know what they are doing. This fear can keep us from asking for help with a particular child or a specific problem. Don’t be afraid of getting advice from your social workers or from trusted social workers you have worked with in the past. (Getting to know the professionals who are experienced or hard-nosed or just plain savvy is a good long-term strategy. They will probably be flattered to be consulted with difficult cases).
Ask social workers who the good lawyers are. You never know when you will need an honest attorney who specializes in family law. They may be able to educate the social workers or even the judges in the finer points of custody law. We cannot be experts in everything, and even attorneys have their fields of expertise. Know in advance who is in the know, and don’t be afraid to ask. The right legal information can save a child.
Don’t be afraid to ask savvy social workers about counselors and therapists. They will likely know some who accept your foster child’s state healthcare. If abuse and neglect were severe enough for the state or county to remove a child from the home, then there is a high likelihood that the child will need extra behavioral or physical help. The child in care is not the only one who might need extra help. Foster care can take a toll on a family. You should know the names of counselors who can help your biological family. Do not wait too long if you own child is having problems with fostering or with a particular foster child, and no one expects you to be perfect either. (Well, you might. I know, I’ve been there). I am not trying to scare anyone away, but fostering can be stressful, particularly for us disgruntled perfectionists. During one phase of my life, I was dealing with an extra stress-load at work, struggling through an adoption, dealing with a bitter relinquishment of a beloved baby and trying to be practically perfect in every way. I do not recommend this; you will not like the outcome. I had my first panic attack and had to seek counseling for myself and get over the ridiculous stigma I had about therapy. Sometimes we need to calm ourselves down too.
Sometimes foster parents are apprehensive regarding the biological family and their relatives. I am not saying the birth family never warrants our worry. I have gone to court to prevent relatives from having contact with our foster kids, however we cannot shove everyone in the forbidden zone simply because of DNA.
You must do your research, ask your social workers and make judgment calls. Our own adoptive daughter has some wonderful relatives who have enriched her life. I do not have a magic formula for biological relatives. Be wary, be open and never turn off your B.S. detector.
One more fear alert. Do not be afraid to speak up in court on behalf of the children in your care. I never had a problem with this, but I have known others from other states who did. They had differing opinions than the CPS workers. Therefore their court statements and the testimony of the social workers differed. “When a foster parent tells the judge something different than what the CPS worker/supervisor are reporting, the [county workers] get angry and tell them they will withhold future placements until they learn to not say anything except what they agree with, etc.”
Not Being Ready for a Return to Hell
Relinquishing a child is the hardest part of being a foster parent. Sometimes you must give a child back to the birth parents. We had one good experience with that. A young mother had a child taken away because her boyfriend was allegedly dealing drugs. After the authorities took her baby, she severed ties with the alleged dealer and got her life back on track. We encountered the mother and the child three times after that, and she seemed to be doing very well.
This kind of ideal experience can be rough on a foster parent.
Even though we figured that everything worked out for the best, we still found it to be a grueling, harrowing experience to know that a beautiful baby boy was disappearing from our lives.
Now imagine giving a child back to a family when one of them is accused of rape. Yes, we’ve been through that. Try giving a child back to an alcoholic mother and a meth-loving dad when home will be the cab of an eighteen-wheeler. (That didn’t last long, and the child is safe in an adoptive home). We fought more than one legal battle over this: one fight was to prevent a child from going back into a household that sheltered a convicted child molester, and the other was to prevent a child from going back into a house where an adult was accused of torturing a child. We won both of those cases, but we couldn’t win them all. It is heart breaking to think of a youngster coming out of such a horrible environment. Now, imagine them going right back into that hell. “Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.”
[I still didn’t finish it. More on this topic in our next “episode.” A shout out to those giving me advice on this particular column: Liz Hunter, (https://twitter.com/lizzysnoise), Ashley Rhodes-Courter (http://rhodes-courter.com), Rhonda Sciortino, (https://www.rhondasciortino.com), Irene Clements (www.nfpaonline.org) and Trisha Kay Surbrug Adams.
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