This used to be the first thing I did every issue. I would sit down, crack my knuckles and think of the best way to explain what I do day to day. It would set the tone for the issue, as far as I was concerned. It would get my juices flowing and the work would just pour out of me. That isn't the case these days.
These days I work out of necessity, compulsion and fear. Necessity because this magazine has been (outside of family) the most important thing in my life. It's become the way the bills get paid. It's become a part of every waking moment in a day, week or year for me. Compulsion because it's impossible to take time off. I'd like to have some downtime but a monthly magazine schedule doesn't allow for such luxuries. I'd like to take ten minutes to advocate for the specific aspects of foster care that I'd like to see fixed but that would mean time away from covering all of foster care. It's a tough juggling act.
Then there's the fear. Oh, the fear. Which fear should would start with? Let's start with the biggest fear. Fear of failure. Well, that's obvious. I put myself out there everyday and on a magnified scale, each month. I have positioned myself as one of THE people to talk to when it comes to foster care. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? I watch the CEOs and Ambassadors for various agencies and companies, they seem at ease. They have a sense of themselves, maybe? I am not there yet. As a matter of fact, I'm a long way from there. I am not at ease at all. I am constantly doubting my abilities. Constantly second-guessing my choices. Forever in doubt of my place in foster care and media.
When you are told how great your work is on a regular basis or receive accolades for your efforts, it's an amazing feeling. It's validating. But then you must look at your growth. Are you doing enough to warrant such praise? If you're smart, you'll say yes and go on with life and be pleased with your progress. If you are me, I'm never one to blame a personality trait on foster care, but......when you are in care you do need validation. You've been dropped from the family picture, whether it's your fault or not, the rest of your life is spent trying to get into a new picture. I'll admit it. I crave the compliments, the praise, I still haven't learned how to deal with it gracefully.
What you don't realize is, that though I need that praise, it only compounds my fear. So you there's the fear of failure, that it will all go away. That's a very real fear. There are a dozen ways that this could all fall apart at any moment. The money or lack thereof could force me to shut it all down. What if I can't get any new advertisers? What if people stop subscribing at the rate they have? What if I keep growing at this rate? Can I sustain a business with a budget that didn't expect this kind of growth?
What if the content drops off? Foster care has so many facets that I'll never really run out of material. There are areas that the magazine has covered that I haven't even scratched the surface on exploring them all. So it's not the material that concerns me, it's how I cover it. The quality of contributor. What if writers start to use the magazine to push agendas? These are things that I have to stay on top of to preserve the integrity of an unbiased publication about an industry that can become fraught with agendas.
I need to do more if I want to take the magazine to it's place in mainstream media. I need to gain advertisers and subscribers to sustain growth or expand. I need to improve the look if I want to be found on the shelves of national newsstands. But I'm doing enough to handle the growth and current responsibilities.
People don't need to worry about whether or not I know what I'm talking about. I've made it clear that I am no expert but I know dozens of them. I never answer a question if I am unsure of the answer. I ask everyone I can until I get the answer. This saves me from any embarrassment. The fear of getting of tired of doing this alone each month is the toughest to deal with. This is a ton of work to do each month. There are a lot of outside forces working against me. Print issues, deadlines, budget issues, these are the things that keep me awake at night. Podcasts, magazine layout, giving new writers a chance to get published, highlighting new books, making new friends and seeing new places are the fun part. Luckily for me, I'm a pretty positive guy, the fun parts are enough to keep me going.
While I don't get to write this section first anymore, it is still my favorite section. Maybe it's ego or maybe it's my form of therapy but I enjoy letting you inside my head. I like that you get to see the highs and lows of my little quest. I don't know if I'm handling all this the right way. But I'm running this magazine as a business. There aren't any grants or angel investors. I'm doing it the way I think it should be done. Any money generated has been through hard work and services provided. I'm proud of that fact. If my fears become reality and the magazine should fail, I will have no regrets. I have done this way I have planned for nearly a decade. But for now my fears are unfounded. You all seem to really like what Foster Focus is doing and the direction it is headed.
I think I'll take my foster Mom's advice, "Shut up Chris, you're doing fine. When you aren't, they'll tell you so." She's a smart lady. I call her my "Fear Extinguisher".
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski