This is not MY kid!!!
When children are young and “cute” and seem to be “so perfect” prospective adoptive parents are very excited and enthused about their impending adoption. They throw large parties, make announcements to friends and family, and welcome the infant or child into their loving home.
As this youngster grows up, the realization that this is not really “mom” or “dad” brings with it numerous heartrending questions, confusion, and hurt. “How could they give me up? Was I not good enough? “They didn't want me?” “Why?” “Am I also going to be as messed up when I grow up”? Hard questions with no easy answers.
Eager pre-adoptive parents are put through the ringer with multiple assessments, home visits and so forth for non-foster adoption, but with far less stringent measures when they adopt from foster care.
The oft cited reason being the large number of children in foster care who are waiting to get adopted.
As these youngsters grow up in their adopted homes, the questions that crop up can unsettle families who feel the beginnings of parental insecurity and fears. Parents then feel hurt and either tighten the reins of knowledge and exposure or withdraw.
Either stance is unhelpful to the child who is searching for answers. Psychological resilience and emotional maturity are therefore critical in parenting adoptive children and recognizing that their behaviors are not directed towards the adoptive family but rather expressions of anger, shame, guilt, resentment towards biological family, and confusion about lineage.
So what do parents do when this former adorable child begins to act out by cutting, drinking, smoking, yelling and screaming, running away and goes time and time again to a psychologist or therapist to “talk about your
behaviors”?
The child either responds to therapy and learns effective coping mechanisms or does not gain much in therapy and becomes sullen, resentful and placed on multiple medications that essentially drug the child to silence.
The symptoms of acting out while problematic are cries for help for understanding and exploration of their biological roots and desperate need to find oneself.
The fundamental issues go unchecked and the symptoms worsen and the medication dosages increase. Lack of motivation in school work, engagement with dysfunctional peers and gravitation to behaviors frowned up by the adoptive families ensue.
They escalate to a point that the adoptive families feel helpless and angry and unappreciated and then “SEND HIM BACK”. Seriously? To whom or what? I often see these families in my clinic and it astounds me how
quickly one parent, not both, can disengage and say, “Well, he is not really ours, he comes with a lot of baggage and we cannot help him anymore.” Or, I also get, “We have tried so hard to make him feel he is ours, but
nothing works anymore.
We have tried everything from our side and our conscience is clear. He has to go or he will destroy our family, he already has.”
The child is “UNADOPTED” and given back to the State, placed in a home once again, and ages out of foster care, wiser and sadder and deeply traumatized.
If foster care is meant to protect our kids from harm, we certainly achieved the exact opposite.
As time goes on, the “ADHD” “Attachment Disordered” child grows up with additional diagnoses of depression, anxiety, mood disorder (often Bipolar), posttraumatic Stress disorder, learning disorders, and eventually
substance abuse/dependence.
Well into the 20s and early 30s.
I do wish to stress however, that there are many families that work hard to continue to care for their adoptive child and have a deep sense of commitment and parental love.
They are willing to fight for their kids, fight with insurance companies, social workers, case managers and administration to ensure that their child receives the help and attention. They write to their Congressman, Senators, and anyone who will listen.
These adoptive parents are vocal and angry and demand that the adoptive child receive the post adoption services, and treatment.
The flip side is that a huge part of the problem of unadoption is that parents are often expected to use their own insurance for mental health and it is cost-prohibitive.
As time goes on, the “ADHD” “Attachment Disordered” child grows up with additional diagnoses of depression, anxiety, mood disorder (often Bipolar), posttraumatic Stress disorder, learning disorders, and eventually
substance abuse/dependence.
Well into the 20s and early 30s.
Until they find someone who loves them unconditionally, is willing to accept their insecurities and idiosyncrasies and touches them deeply in ways no one else has or cared to.
That, and trauma therapies such as EMDR, Visual Therapy, EFT, RRT, the list is easily accessible on the internet, or the reader is welcome to email me for additional information.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski