Me, with my big heart, small brain and big mouth!
It started out as a pretty simple goal; answer the one question that nearly every foster kid or former foster kid is asked: What does foster care feel like?”
I reached out to the Alumni community (that’s one of the thousands of names they give those of us who have gone through the foster care system), they responded by flooding me with responses. Over 30 of my fellow foster care alumni stepped up to share what foster care felt like to them.
It was a huge success. Widely used in trainings across the nation to help social workers and foster parents understand what foster care feels like from people with first-hand knowledge. Tens of thousands of people flocked to the website to spend time analyzing the photo gallery. Emails came in to thank me for the work and idea. Messages telling me how the gallery spoke to their experience followed. Critical acclaim and pats on the shoulder came as frequently as new subscribers.
Life was SWEEEEEET!
As an editor, I am always looking for new ways to engage you. I want you to learn something, sure. I want to tug at your heartstrings, just a little. I want to remind you why this became your life’s work. I want you to be entertained. I want you to laugh. I want you to cry. I want you to think. I want you to go beyond that thought and take it a step further, see the world of foster care in more detail than you have before. I want you to want the magazine. When something as simple as the idea of the photo gallery hits a nerve with you it gives me a massive rush and a sense of accomplishment. It’s a feeling I want to replicate monthly.
Here’s the dirty little secret; like all things that are awesome, it comes with a ton of sweat. The task of taking words and photos and presenting them in an appealing way is an easy one on the surface. The reality is hours and hours of work.
The initial problem is how to make the words clear while not taking anything away from the picture…while not taking anything away from the word…while not taking anything away from the picture…..while not taking anything away from the words….etc. You see my problem.
Once that dragon has been slayed, the work needs to begin. This isn’t as easy as it sounds either.
My love of laziness and do absolutely nothing is well documented. It’s contrary to my work ethic but it’s true. I am an animal of a worker when I work…that’s when I work.
Self-employment is the real world equivalent to what college was for me; I understand that I’m paying for it but that doesn’t make me want to do it anymore than going to school for free would have made me want to attend classes.
It’s a bit different nowadays. I have kids now so that plays into it. The eye of wife who knows you should be working makes playing Xbox all day, nearly impossible. And folks pay me now, which is kind of weird and adds a little extra push but I’m still a stupid 19 year old in my head. Still would rather sleep in on any given morning than I would want to get up and work. I counter that by going a day or so without sleep in order to regulate myself. Sleep or the lack thereof is a topic for another column. I’m gonna hop back on track with this work subject.
To work for you means you are your own boss. This can suck. Just suck. When I worked for others, things were laid out in front of me. I knew where to be, what to do and who to turn to in case of problems. Now that I’m on my own I find I can be listless, unmotivated and maybe a little lost on occasion. This is where the foster kid stuff starts to kick in. Let’s take it step by step.
One standard of thinking insists that there are 5 stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Similarly there are 5 stages in the “Chmielewski Get Your Ass In Gear Method”.
Fear: I’ve written about my constant fear before but it bears a little repeating. Taking on this bog ole task was done with the full knowledge (okay, not a full knowledge, there are so many things I’m still learning) of the workload and responsibilities that would come with starting the only monthly foster care magazine. I knew about the hours, I was ready for that. I worked in car sales which requires endless hours on the lot (maybe not endless but 11 a day is still tough) and countless rejections. That made me thick skinned but not any less afraid. That fear of failing or looking foolish is what has driven me these last 50 plus months. Fear is good when used as a proper motivator.
Shame: Because of the work ethic precedent I have set over the last four years, I have created a household full of workers. I mean these are some serious, head down, get it down monsters I’ve created. This puts me in a very precarious situation. How do I slack off when I don’t feel like working without those eyes staring me down? The eyes of my kids looking at me like “I thought you said nothing comes easy? I thought you said the only way to make it is to work your tail off? Why are you loafing around?” is a pretty tough pill to swallow. I am very proud of this work ethic theme I’ve created in this house. I could whine. I could complain about how I work alone. I could complain that there is no money for the mag unless I generate it. I could complain about how my lack of education and class could be a handicap if I let it. I could rant and rave about the piss poor hand life dealt me. But I’d be embarrassed. I’ve built this thing on my back and that’s something to take pride in. I’ll own that. Just like I own the bad that happens. It’s part of the gig. I’m not doing any of this for selfish reasons. My stance remains the same; I do this by myself without outside money so that the next foster kid with a big idea knows he or she can pull it off. To fail at that would be shameful. I’m not here to embarrass myself. Shame is good when used as a proper motivator.
Pride: For the reasons stated above, I have plenty of reasons to be proud. The downside to this is the amount of pressure this puts on me to deliver, every single day. That’s a little whiny, you’re right, I’m just trying to set a theme. The consistency that I’ve shown has made it become something that’s expected. Think back to when you first got married or got serious with a significant other. Did you pretend that you sucked at doing the laundry or dishes? Of course you did, or at least tried. Why? Because you didn’t want to be the one who had to do it for the rest of your life! In retrospect maybe I shouldn’t have set the bar so high. Maybe I could have come with a weak product that I could have grown rather than what I feels is a great product whose integrity I have to keep up every month? That would feel like cheating and to be frank, is a little sketchy. Would life be easier? Maybe. Would I be the kind of person I want to be while short-sheeting? Probably not. Come with your best or don’t come at all, right? Pride is good when used as a proper motivator.
Remorse: Sure the moments of doing nothing at all are joyous ones. Ever sleep in? Magical. It’s the hangover from doing nothing that kills me. The work I didn’t do haunts me. The calls I didn’t make, the connections I could have created. Those are those things that can rip you apart. All things come in time but when you have deadlines and goals to meet, time is something you never feel you have enough of. I have found that shots of rest and relaxation can be very beneficial to what I do. I haven’t figured out how to not feel bad for those shots yet. I’m working on it. But for now, it serves to move me along. Remorse is good when used as a proper motivator.
Regret (Regroup): When you get down to brass taxes, I’d much rather spend my time with my headphones on cranking out a new issue of Foster Focus. Not performing this task makes me feel bad. The feeling of letting anyone down is probably the cause for my insomnia, shame, fear etc., but that’s what I chose. Coming to grips with the fact that I don’t need to work 24/7 is a struggle I may never fully figure out. It is okay to take time off? What about the people who come to the mag to pick up tips or facts to help them with their jobs? The foster parents who read these articles to understand their kids a little better? The bio parent who can’t figure out why their kids were taken away? The judge who sees a success story where success didn’t seem to be an option for a kid who is similar to one his/her court this morning? The kid who needs a little hope? I work for them. When I don’t work it feels like a slap in their face. I’ll almost guarantee that I am not alone in this way of thinking. If you are one of the folks listed above, who I work for, I am sure you share that sentiment. For now the guilt pushes me to regroup and get back to work when I don’t feel like fulfill my obligations. Regret is good when used as a proper motivator.
Once I run through the 5 stages it’s time to get down to it. Headphones on, the mechanism is clear, time to change the world.
Piles of submissions came in from all over the country from foster parents of all ages. I did what I always do; I reached out to someone who could bring me the foster parents I needed for this project. For the alumni edition I went to the FCAA, this time around I called on a good friend I’ve made since running this magazine. Irene Clements is the Executive Director of the NFPA, the National Foster Parent Association and I have been pals since I started the magazine. Maybe it’s because I like foster parents or maybe it’s because I’m so damn adorable but we hit it off right away and have stayed friends since meeting some 4 years ago. We hang out at conferences, work on projects together and we are always looking for reasons to partner up on anything of value. As far as people go, she’s rock steady and consistently fantastic to be around. When I needed foster parents, she was the first call.
With all the submissions, I had run out of excuses to not work. These folks took the time to share their thoughts with my readers, it is on me to get the work done.
After I’ve conquered all my laziness dragons, I found the right formula and tackled the task of laying out the project in a way that will hopefully please the eye.
My wife couldn’t understand why I decided to take the Editor’s Notes space to tell the world how lazy I am. Why would I out myself like that? Why show weakness? Why knock down the fourth wall? Have I lost it? Are the mental issues I have taken over?
She makes valid points. Why would I show weakness and out myself as a lazy dude? I share things like this for two reasons; I want former or current foster kids to know that you can deal with the things you’ve been through and come out as normal and semi healthy on the other end. The other reason is a bit simpler. I got most of my quirks while in care. Maybe foster parents or social workers can see some of these issues developing early and save a kid the trouble of having to live like me for a good chunk of their life. I do okay but I could be better. That’s that. Enjoy the issue.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski