“Stay positive and never give up.” We as former foster youth hear this and I’ll admit I sometimes have a tough time following this advice. There are often a myriad
of challenges that led us to where we are today…. I’ll tell you about some of the ones I’ve had and how I’ve grown from them. I’m going to tell you about a few
principles I’ve come across which helped me go from being the son of a mother who was diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic, being abused and abandoned,
having a father who was absentee and ended up committing suicide and watching my mother and grandfather pass on… all the way to deciding enough is enough.
I graduated high school at 16, began flipping burgers at McDonalds for five years walking five miles every day working eighty hours a week. I made my way to
graduate from Harvard University with a Bachelors degree… and now I’m on track to become a Psychiatrist (M.D.). I know what it’s like to have been on shaky
ground, to not know where you belong, and to have to struggle to find out where your next meal is coming from. I look around at what I’ve become and I’m amazed. I
look at foster youth around me and I also feel that hope and I see limitless potential.
I think that deep down you have to have reasons to drive you towards your goals. Mine is a driving force inside which says “I’m going to become more than my
circumstances,” and, by a promise I made to my dying mother. I told her that I promise to be a good man and finish college and take care of my brothers. Little did I
know she always told her friends that she thought that I will become a doctor. I try to stay positive because it’s a choice I’m in control of and it’s beneficial to my life.
Foster youth often don’t have a great upbringing or a familial springboard which helps us to find ourselves… it’s scary when you go into the world with just a Hefty
bag and your wits. We sink or swim, we struggle and we claw our way up and we pull up those around us who need our help.
Foster youth go into the world with a dull set of tools, but a set nonetheless which can be sharpened. One of those tools is called, in technical terms, positive affect.
If I look at the mountain of mess I have in my life and grumble will that fix the problem any sooner? No, unless of course your problem is that you’re grumbling about
getting up on Mondays then I think we can forgive a little bit of that. Positive effect helps us stay optimistic, focused, and grow. I can remember walking home after
working 15 hours still having two hours to go. I would walk and walk, naturally I would get tired but I used positive self talk, another choice we have, to improve our
state of mind. I tell myself, “you are going to make it” and I go on to think to myself how I can change my circumstance for the better. This is positive self talk.
There is psychiatry but often even these disciplines do not go far enough to capture the needs foster youth have…. not just mental health medically but holistically
and emotionally. “I’m in a department of psychiatry, and psychiatry does not have a good model of mental health,” says clinical instructor in psychology Nancy
Etcoff, who is based at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH). She also states, “Is there a model of mental health beyond ‘no mental disease’?” Another
psychiatrist and trained psychoanalyst, says, “As a psychoanalyst, I’m paid to help you focus on your resentments and help you to find fault with your parents. And
secondly, to get you to focus on your ‘poor-me’s’ and to use up Kleenex as fast as possible.” I believe that this isn’t the way to provide care. We should be
empowering ourselves to make good choices and have goals.
1. Getting rid of self defeating or negative self talk
Negative emotions often can suffocate foster youth. I know when I was growing up for a time I felt like I was angry at the world and adopted a ‘poor me’ attitude. This
was a low point in my life and I learned to focus on what I could control and that was my feelings and overall approach to life. Daniel Gilbert, renown psychologist
states, “nature designed us to have emotions for a reason. Emotions are a primitive signaling system. They’re how your brain tells you if you’re doing things that
enhance—or diminish—your survival chances. What good is a compass if it’s always stuck on north?[negativity] It must be able to fluctuate. You’re supposed to be
moving through these emotional states.” (http://harvardmagazine.com/2007/01/the-science-of-happiness.html) It’s important to be able to have a positive outlook
and reframe ourselves and refocus.
Every morning I try to look at quotes which help to lift me up to start the day off right. You might think about jotting down on some index cards things you like about
yourself and experiences you’ve overcome or can say, “I did this” or “I’m great at _____” then try to walk by those affirmations and say them to yourself each day.
You will be amazed at the difference in 30 days.
2. Change your Perspective and Reframe Yourself
I remember when my mother passed away, I got so frustrated and I was stagnat and at times I would cry when I would wash dishes until 2am wondering why I had no
mother or father who were there for me like normal kids. I realized later that now these struggles were meant to help me see inside that I’m capable of doing things
on my own and I will use my story to help other foster youth realize that our past as foster youth doesn’t doom us to lives of self pity but we’re capable of becoming
great men and women. If you feel like you’re in a tough spot right now, try to write down one positive thing about the situation you’re in and retrain your mind to
think about your dreams, goals, and to evict negative thoughts, self-defeating tones, and emotions from your mind.
3. Write down Goals and Follow Through
We all have dreams. If you have one hefty bag, you’d like a larger one.. I’m kidding about the Hefty bag (we’ve all had one). Seriously thought take time to write
down a few goals or the day, month, or coming year. I remember having three papers due one night. I wrote down a goal to get them done bit by bit and in the end
those lists helped me stay busy and I finished them… and passed the courses.
4. Get Involved and Find a Mentor
Being involved in a sport or group like FCAA, volunteering for a local hospital, school or pursuing ways to be involved in the child welfare arena are important
things to keep us motivated. I volunteered mentoring orphans, as a patient care representative at a hospital, and for a Boston congressman. It kept me focused
and I began to find my strengths and where I belong.
Having a mentor and being humble has been critical to my path. I have tried to learn from others who’ve been through tough times and I’ve reached out to people
in the medical field, social workers, and even other foster youth to find perspective and guidance and I always stay humble.
I want to leave you with a promise. I promise to if you work hard to better your future you’ll be amazed at where life will take you and in the words of Derek Clark
“Never Give Up”.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski