The day is seared in my memory. It was one of those times when you realize that you are meant to make a difference and vow to always look at how each situation becomes a lesson in our lives.
I had been a foster care caseworker for about a year, placing children in “therapeutic foster homes.”
The referral seemed fairly easy. A young girl, ten years old, was being released from an Observation and Stabilization Unit. I had an identified family and the discharge meeting was scheduled.
As I entered the unit and checked in, the girl with dark brown curls and matching eyes skipped into the area with a sort of rambunctious energy. She had a huge smile and was giggly.
As she bound into the area, she saw her mother and step-father through a set of glass doors. That is when she stopped cold in her tracks. Her body started to tremble and the look of fear replaced the sparkle and smile. In that moment, I understood that no person should experience that type of fear, let alone a young child.
This was in 1994. The child Is now a grown woman who has endured adversity at every turn of her life, yet her resiliency never ceases to amaze me. During her time on my caseload, her mother’s parental rights were terminated, and she moved to live with a relative in another state. But regardless of her physical location, she continued to call me and keep me posted on how she was doing.
During one conversation, she told me, “The one thing I am always sure of is that when I call your number, you will always be there to answer the phone.” I still have that land line phone even though she typically uses my cell phone to contact me these days. A couple of months ago, she called my home phone. I joked with her about how rare it is to get a real call on that number.
She said it was the number she has committed to her memory.
She recently moved back to the community where she was born. Now, she frequently stops by my office when she is in town, and we regularly find time to go out for dinner and catch up. I am always excited to see her smile, hear about her next phase in life and discuss her goals. Our conversations always end with the same sentence: “I love you.”
As a national consultant and trainer, this “case” is always on the forefront of my mind and integrated into my training sessions. Our ultimate goal is to help children overcome the traumatic events in their lives.
The trauma-informed research shows services should be centered on consistency and predictability. As I continue to learn from the youth, I think they also need assurance that there is at least one person who will “always answer the phone.”
In Model Approaches to Partnership in Parenting (MAPP) we define attachments as “the affectionate and emotional tie between people that continues indefinitely over time and lasts even when people are geographically apart.”
All humans need to have at least one person who is there to provide them support and encouragement, celebrate accomplishments and “be there.” In other words, we all need “lifelong connections.”
The Youth Permanency Toolkit developed by the National Resource for Permanency and Family Connections lists 30 things that a permanent connection can mean to a youth. It also lists strategies from a system perspective.
Though there are formal sets of tools and resources, there also are some natural strategies and qualities that occur as a person identifies whom they choose as a lifelong connection. In the past, colleagues have encouraged me to use my personal experiences—basic lessons that were passed down from my own parents—and develop training on the topic. Here are a few suggestions—lessons my mom and dad taught me as I grew up and became a parent:
Always accept the gift from your child.
One of the first parenting tips that Mom gave me was “If your child chews a piece of gum, drops it on the ground and gives it to you, then you should always accept it with enthusiasm and chew it. “ If you call it nasty, dirty or show disgust, your child interprets what you are saying to mean he is not worthy and you are rejecting the love that came with the gift. I frequently hear her words when I think about the youth in care. It’s not uncommon for me to leave my phone on a table and return to find that the background picture has been changed to be a “selfie” of one of the youth. I leave the selfie as my background photo, and days or weeks later, that person will say, ““Hey, you still have my picture on your phone!”
That is the continued reward. They receive the message that they are worthy and someone cares, and I receive a gift of a smile every time I pick up my cell phone—often when I need a pick-me-up.
Be at the child’s events and be their biggest fan
Children need to be involved in activities where they are growing, learning and building self-esteem. By taking time and attending the events and activities, it tells the child that you are proud of her accomplishments and hard-earned achievements.
A young woman, who was in foster care, made sure that I put her college graduation date (in 2016) on my calendar so I will be in town to help her celebrate. The message received is that she is important and worthy of celebrating her successes.
Lend your shoulder
Sometimes life gets tough, and that is when you just need a shoulder to cry on. In one such instance, a young woman got word that her mother had passed away unexpectedly. It was one of those times when you don’t have the answers to give.
The only thing I could think to do was take her to the pet store and let her play with the puppies. We wandered around the mall, and she talked about her feelings and emotions. All she needed was to just talk and have someone listen. There didn’t need to be answers, just affirmation and validation of her feelings.
Be genuine
Youth who have experienced traumatic events have developed an innate ability to follow their intuition. By showing compassion, empathy and being non-judgmental, it shows that you value the relationship.
Follow through on promises
It’s important that you communicate clear messages and that you follow through with your promises. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
For example, one young woman attending the local university was excited to have a place to hang out and get away from the stress of campus dorm life.
I promised we would be open to her visiting anytime, and she could even bring her laundry. Lo and behold within a week, she brought several baskets of dirty clothes with her on a visit. Eventually she started bringing her best friend. It was not uncommon for us to see one napping on the couch while the other works on homework.
The reward for me was knowing that I could provide a safe and comfortable environment for someone who might be missing home, stressed about school or transitioning to a new part of life.
These are merely a few suggestions, but most of being a lifelong connection is about expressing empathy and support whenever possible, regardless of time and space, and being willing to “answer the phone.” These innate feelings help create outside bonds with others. They are strategies that are easy to employ, and are emotionally gratifying for you and the youth.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski