When my father passed away a few weeks ago I had a very important lesson brought home to me, “the little things we do for foster youth really have a big impact on their lives.”
I posted on Facebook about his passing and was contacted by one of my former clients in foster care who shared with me what knowing my father meant to him and the happy memories he had. He and I knew each other from the time I was a Group Home Administrator. He was twelve years old when I met him and had been living in a nightmare at the hands of his family that no child should ever know about.
When he learned about my dad’s passing he told me that he thought of my dad as his grandfather and how that relationship helped him realize that just because his relatives were “depraved” not all families were like that and it gave him hope that he could be someone’s father someday and not hurt them. Apparently, the memories helped him through some really tough times and kept him alive, literally. It meant so much to me to hear his stories and know the impact that knowing my dad had on him. I guess I hadn’t realized what a big deal it was when I brought my dad into their lives. To me it was an opportunity to expand their experiences and have a good time.
Most of my clients, all teenage boys, had no appropriate family members and were often alone on the major holidays. I instituted family dinners at the group home where the staff could bring their spouses and children for dinner. We had fabulous dinners at all the major holidays and an open house for the neighbors at Christmas. Having a lot of people really gave my clients a sense of what it was to have an extended family. It also provided them with an opportunity to learn and practice social skills and build self-esteem. I always invited my father who came early and helped us cook. He was a really good cook and always made pineapple upside down cake as one of the deserts. The boys loved to cook with him.
My dad was really smart and could talk to them about almost anything they brought up and were interested in. They really appreciated that he paid attention to them. When I saw that they got along really well, I had my dad licensed as a respite caregiver. There were two boys in particular that needed a male role model in their lives so I introduced their social workers to my dad to make sure they were comfortable with him being alone with their clients.
He took them separately for overnighters and did fun things that granddads often do with their grandkids like teaching them to fish and how to use power tools, and eat in great restaurants so they could experience different kinds of foods and environments. These two boys really looked forward to spending time with him.
Inviting the neighbors to our Christmas Open House turned out to be a blessing for the boys. They went from being “those group home kids” who were looked on with disdain to being the “neighbor boys” who were invited to barbeques and pool parties. They were being socialized in a good way and were able to get past the stigma of being in a group home. Self confidence and self-esteem increased with each positive experience.
As is the case with foster youth, they eventually moved on. One went in the Navy immediately upon turning 18. We’ve stayed in touch and he just turned 34. He benefited from my dad’s own experience in the Navy and he really enjoyed the stories my dad shared with him. My dad also taught him to play chess and to my surprise, wants him to have the chess set they played with. I have it here to send to him which I will do.
When I told him that my dad passed, he wrote to me and said this,
“I'm sorry to hear that. I really am. I'll never forget him. He was old and outspoken but fair and honest. To be honest, when I think about him, I smile. He was probably the first man in my life that I looked up to with respect and admired. He wasn't arrogant, he wasn't proud, he was just a man with stories that he liked to tell. I'm sad to hear he's gone but I'm glad I got to meet him.
You know, it's odd to think, that out of all the kids he met through you, he wanted me to have his chess set. I feel honored though. I just wish I could have beat him once without him letting me win.”
Living in a group home has to be the strangest experience for children. Think about it - six young people live in a house with two or more adults who come and go every few hours and no adult actually lives in the home with them. And these adults have a certain amount of power over them. They have a series of adults who come in and out of the house all day and have no consistency in their lives. In my opinion, that is no way for a child to live.
With that in mind, I made a few adjustments in the home that also had a big impact on them. The first thing I did was try to make it seem like their home rather than just a place they were staying. I took a lot of pictures of them, both individually and interacting with other clients and staff and made a family gallery on the wall in the entry way so when they came in to the house they saw their own pictures. I took some of their original artwork and photos and had them framed and hung them on the walls in the family room and in their bedrooms. We rotated the artwork over the fireplace mantel at the beginning of each month so everyone had a chance to be recognized. What this did was provide a sense of ownership of the home. The impact was immediate. We went from three thousand dollars of client caused property damage to zero within the first year. And the revolving door of an average group home stopped and all the boys were still there at the end of my first year as administrator.
Another move that I made was to help them with their homework in a way they never experienced. When they had history assignments I rented a documentary about whatever time or incident they were studying and we had group discussions about the film. I remember telling them stories about what it was like for those us who had friends and family serving in Viet Nam and what it was like to experience the Cuban Missile Crisis as a child, and the assassination of a president and how those incidents affected me growing up and my view of the world. The object was to bring things alive for them so that history became something real and not just a concept in a book.
The two boys who contacted me about my dad were the furthest apart in age at the group home. They fought like brothers with the older one really picking on the younger one. I did one thing, also with regard to homework that completely changed the dynamic of that relationship. The older boy was really good with math and I asked him to help the younger one with his homework. At first he refused until I explained that I wasn’t that good with math and I would consider it a personal favor if he helped out. He agreed and after a few short weeks, they discovered that they worked really well together and the younger boy was really learning from the older one. This gave them common ground and they developed a friendship that continues today with both of them in their early 30s. They both love that they have someone with shared memories who can reminisce with them.
These are just a few of the small changes I instituted at the group home. Those of us who work with foster youth have an obligation to provide them with as much of a family experience and normal life as possible. That’s what I was working toward when I brought my own dad into their lives. It impacted my father as well and he always asked about the boys. There are sad reasons why both of the boys didn’t stay in touch with my dad when they turned eighteen because some things might be different for them if they had, but that’s life and doesn’t negate the strong impact he left on their hearts and minds.
Owner/Editor - Chris Chmielewski