Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I continually attract relationships with abusive or emotionally unavailable men/women?” While there is no simple answer that rings true for all former foster youth, many of us suffer from toxic beliefs and behaviors that are destroying our lives and potential relationships. One of the reasons some former foster youth find themselves in toxic relationships is due to how they feel about themselves. If you unconsciously believe that you are undeserving of a good mate, or don’t believe one exists, you may find yourself settling for an abuser, and subject yourself to years of pain and heartache.
Here are some helpful tips to attracting your ideal relationship:
1) Get help for past childhood abuse/trauma: A lot of us carry anger, pain, and guilt from abuse that happened to us in our childhoods, which stops us from fully being open to experiencing love and trust. If you are an abuse survivor, be sure to get the necessary support and guidance that you need to heal. Practice self-love and compassion and work towards building relationships with people that you can trust.
2) Believe that you are the only person who can make you whole. Being involved in a relationship is great, but many people look to relationships to fulfill a deep emptiness inside of them. While relationships are important, they cannot erase how you really feel about yourself. If you go into relationships feeling that you are good enough, you will attract more partners who will treat you well. If you go into a relationship feeling ‘less than,’ you will continue to find mates who will co-sign that belief and treat you accordingly. If you have self-worth, and know that you are whole just as you are, with or without a mate, you will attract real love into your life.
3) Don’t settle for what you don’t want. So many of us are desperately seeking love that we settle for who we don’t want. When a potential love interest shows us who they really are, many of us stay in the relationship hoping to change them into who we think they should be instead of accepting the truth. Instead of moving forward, we latch on to the relationship because we feel that having something is better than nothing. When you accept mediocre relationships, you stop yourself from getting a mate that you truly deserve. By saying no to what you don’t want and believing that there is someone special for you, you will manifest your ideal mate.
4) Be crystal clear about your expectations. Knowing what you really want and how you expect to be treated in a relationship is one of the most important things you must do to attract your ideal relationship. Although having realistic goals is important, you must know your deal-breakers and be open-minded. Create at least 10 must-have characteristics you want your partner to have (make sure you possess those qualities as well), and don’t date people who aren’t equipped to fulfill your basic needs.
5) Honor your intuition. A lot of us get so caught up in the fantasy of being in love and having a fairytale relationship that we don’t listen to the voice inside them that says, ‘He’s/she’s not the one.” Self-doubt or desperation creeps in, and without realizing it, they allow someone into their life even after witnessing bad behavior. Once you begin to honor your feelings, you will know when someone is good to you and for you.
6) Release old flames: Although some relationships can get better the second or third time around, many of them don’t. After being in long relationships, some people don’t want to get back into dating, so they date their ex on and off, but never fully get their needs met. If you want a healthy relationship, don’t hold on to an old toxic one that left you an emotional wreck. While there is nothing wrong with working on your relationship, if it can’t be repaired after a certain amount of time, don’t stay in it hoping your ex will miraculously turn into the mate of your dreams. Learn the lesson from the relationship, grieve, and once you’re ready, make yourself available for better options!
7) Get help from a trusted professional: Many foster youth struggle with feelings of anxiety, guilt, depression and abandonment. These struggles can cause emotional vulnerability and create other challenges in finding healthy relationships. Working with a therapist or a life coach can help you heal the pain of your past so that you can experience more love, joy, peace and success.